COMMENT

The truth about Cyril

David Bullard sets out the most plausible theory for our President's shifting positions

OUT TO LUNCH

___STEADY_PAYWALL___

When it comes to conspiracy theories I’m as enthusiastic about them as the next gullible idiot. Since most of our main stream news these days seems to consist of conspiracy theories (repackaged as fake news) it should come as no surprise to any of us that boring stories don’t sell newspapers or draw eyes to news websites.

Pictures of children of all races playing happily together would never make it to the news-desk these days. But a carefully composed shot of a classroom which appeared to show white pupils segregated from black pupils (or was it the other way round?) matched with a suitably inflammatory headline will keep the punters enraged for days. The headline doesn’t even need to bear any relevance to the photograph. That’s the great gift of modern journalism-the opportunity to be creative without worrying too much about facts.

One of my favourite conspiracy theories (which I’m currently fleshing out with fictional detail) concerns North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal near India. We are told that it is inhabited by a primitive tribe and we know that an American missionary visited the island last year and was slaughtered.

The official line is that the islanders want to have nothing to do with the likes of Mark Zuckerberg and the modern world and are afraid that strangers will bring incurable diseases to the island. So the government of India has declared it a protected area and made it illegal to visit the island or to sail within 5 nautical miles of its coastline on the pretext of wanting to protect its population of maybe a couple of hundred people from disease.

So when a strange vessel approaches or a low flying aircraft passes over North Sentinel naked figures appear on the beach shouting and waving spears and bows. Should anyone, like the hapless missionary, make it onto the beach they will be killed and the Indian government have agreed not to prosecute such killings.

Now I’ve seen enough James Bond movies to know that North Sentinel island is obviously a cover for a vast sinister operation bent on world domination. Firstly, since when has any government, particularly the Indian government, taken such an interest in protecting a minority? Secondly, which primitive civilization wouldn’t be prepared to swap the golden arches of McDonalds for the risk of a bit of disease?

No, my guess is that the warlike naked figures on the beach get back into western civvies when the immediate danger is over and descend to a vast concrete bunker cut into the middle of North Sentinel Island where they can continue with their dastardly work.

The question is, what exactly is happening on North Sentinel Island? Are they constructing a weapon which would start the war to end all wars? Can we expect to look into the sky in the not too distant future to watch a far off planet explode as a thin beam of green light emanates from the Bay of Bengal?

Are they developing a superbug in laboratories which will wipe out half the population of the world?

Or are they simply transferring 32 years of the Bold and the Beautiful to a microchip that can be surgically installed behind your retina?

No, they are cloning politicians. You will already have noticed that several Donald Trumps already exist and that most European heads of state are completely interchangeable. I now have it on the highest authority that our very own President Cyril Ramaphosa has been cloned several times with tiny adjustments made to each model. Think about it. Cyril was in India in January which gave them ample opportunity to “record” the original Cyril and set about producing the clones, known as C1, C2 and C3 etc.

Since then it has become fairly obvious that the clones have been fully operational. For example, at Davos the original Cyril (we think) assured his well-heeled audience that the independence of the central bank was guaranteed. Last week C1 said exactly the opposite and the currency went into a nosedive. Only the day before the SARB governor, Lesetja Kganyago, addressing an event hosted by the University of Stellenbosch Bureau for Economic Research had emphasized the need for an independent central bank. Bearing in mind the cock up the ANC have made of virtually everything they have touched can you imagine what would happen if they were to be given free rein with a money printing machine?

Since it beggars belief that these two contrary opinions could have come out of the same presidential mouth within such a short period of time the cloning conspiracy theory has to be the only explanation.

The obvious problem as we approach an election is whether we are going to get the authentic Cyril or one of the rechargeable lithium battery clones. Since they are virtually indistinguishable from one another it’s impossible to say until they speak. But bearing in mind that what they say can be programmed from as far away as North Sentinel Island what you thought you voted for may not be what you get. But that’s true of all politicians I guess.

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