Revolution on the golf course

Flip Buys writes on the proceedings of a meeting of the Utopia Club in the Republic of Transformania

Revolution on the golf course

Emotions ran high at the Utopia Golf Club. Mr Glib, the local human rights lawyer, addressed the meeting: “Mr Chairman, this golf club is becoming the symbol of inequality in the country. It’s a disgrace.” A few people applauded while others nodded approvingly. Everyone knew that Mr Glib always has good intentions. The chairman tried again: “Glib, it’s a tragedy that Golf Heights’ champion committed suicide after having lost, but it’s highly unusual”. “Unusual?”, Glib roared. “It’s because of inequality – it’s the umpteenth case that’s hit the golfing world this year! Experts say golf will die if things carry on like this”.

Mr Smart, the local journalist, modestly lowered his eyes as everyone was looking in his direction; he was the ‘experts’ after all. Glib carried on: “This tragedy could have been avoided had there been more equality and justice in golfing. We have to act now to avert another tragedy. Right now!” “But golf has a handicap system to give weaker players an equal chance,” the chairman said. “Equal chance is not yet real equality,” Glib replied threateningly. “I demand equal scores”.

The chairman wished the meeting was over. He farms with chickens and they only lay eggs and don’t stand up for their rights. “Glib, so what do you really want?” he asked with resignation. “We need a Bill of Golfing Rights,” Glib said, with an important air. “Isn’t that a communist thing?”, Oudominee, the village pastor, wanted to know. “Don’t be silly,” Felix, Utopia’s resident philosopher with the pony tail muttered. “Silence please,” Smart said while leaning forward in his chair. He smelled a story. If only he could get a story published in the Transformania News, he would be on par again.

Bill of Golf Rights

“We must draft the world’s most modern Bill of Golf Rights,” Glib commenced. “Hear, hear!”, the councillor and Missy Young shouted. “Yes,” Glib (noticing Missy’s short yellow polka dot mini and suddenly encouraged by the new support) said: “We have to break with golfing’s Old Order. I’m telling you we have to break with it. We should start by filling up all the holes.” “What!”, Putter, the town’s best golfer, exclaimed and jumped up. “Are you mad?” Glib was not to be put off: “Golf scores benefit only the best players, encourage unhealthy competition and lead to inequality,” he said. “Had Golf Heights’ champion not lost, he still would have been with us today.”

Aunt Baby started crying pitifully. She doesn’t play golf, but she heard grave matters were being discussed today and when there’s grief to be had she doesn’t miss out. She glanced sideways to see if the pastor and Smart could see her grief and sorrow. “No scores anymore; everyone should have equal points and should get a turn to win,” Glib continued. By then Putter was fuming. “Then I won’t put my foot here again,” he threatened. “Nor would we,” a few of the better players echoed. “Order!” the chairman called, but no one heard. Everybody was talking at the same time.

Transformation for the nation

Oudoom, the pastor, decided it was time for some spiritual leadership: “Brothers and sisters,” he started. “Fellow golfers.” But no one listened. “Order!” Glib roared. Silence fell. What if he obtains an interdict? Everyone knows he is married to an aunt of Kallie Kriel of AfriForum. “In the second place, we have to institute new golf course rules to determine when, how far and with what club one should hit the ball. People can’t simply do as they please. By having such rules, we can prevent inequality, death and injury.” “But it’ll never work,” the chairman interrupted. “Nobody will play here anymore.” “Nonsense,” Felix said. “If all are equal and achieve the same scores, no one will be excluded and there will be no losers. Now that’s true transformation for the entire nation.” (Standing ovation- led by Oudominee). ‘And a front page for me in the Transformania News,’ Smart almost thought aloud.

Glib addressed the meeting again: “In the third place, righteousness demands that this golf course belongs to all who play here, and from now on those who can’t afford to pay green fees don’t have to any more”. Oudominee nodded solemnly; he knows what righteousness is about.

Later that evening, Glib’s Bill of Golf Rights, as proposed by Oudominee, and seconded by Missy Young, was accepted with a vast majority. While Aunt Baby, still overcome with emotion, was sobbing, the old management committee was ousted and Glib, Felix and Missy Young (secretary) were elected as the new committee. Many other rules were adopted as well, and from then on the best players would have to pay double. Eighteen marshals were appointed to enforce the new rules.

The bad news is that the golf club went under a year later. The good news is that Utopia now has 18 pieces of common pasture in celebration of equality. Smart was appointed as golf editor of the Transformania News, and Glib as head of a leading university’s Transformation Desk. Meanwhile, Putter has become the champion of the neighbouring club, Golf Heights.

Flip Buys