ON Tuesday, the debate on the State of the Nation Address set forth for Planet Zuma in some far distant galaxy on the edge of the universe.

Yesterday it went to the Northern Cape.

Way more scary, you could say.

The fun started with Deirdre Carter, the Congress of the People’s general secretary, objecting to ANC chief whip Stone Sizani’s reference to her as “madam” – the title, she said, is usually reserved for the manager of a brothel.

“He must withdraw it,” Carter said, “or you must have security remove him. I am not a madam”

“I did withdraw it,” Sizani preotested, “and I’ll do it again. I withdraw [the comment].”

Ruling on the matter, Speaker Baleka Mbete declared that she, personally, had no problem being referred to as a madam. She’d always supposed it an honourable business, she said. “As in, ‘Madam Speaker.’” 

It was, admittedly, a helicopter moment for most MPs, But, among the diplomats, seated next to the press gallery, a few wry smiles were noted.

With that, the debate opened. First up was the Minister of Economic Development, Ebrahim Patel. His contribution, perhaps unsurprisingly, was a near carbon copy of that of the Minister of Trade and Industries, Rob Davies, who got things underway on Tuesday.

Both were exceptionally dull. Both waffled on about mysterious “six-eyed” creatures that would somehow vanquish unemployment and there would be jobs hither and thither about the land. 

But this was not about spiders, and it seemed the six “eyes” were actually “I”s – which, in no particular order, stood for Industrialisation, Investment, Innovation, Inclusion, Integration, Institutions, Implementation and Infrastructure, 

Which is actually eight “I”s. But who can count in the economic cluster? And does it really matter? 

To further add to the confusion, the shadow deputy police minister, Marius Redelinghuys, took to social media on Tuesday to suggest three other “I”s: Illusion, Irrelevance, and Ineptitude. 

But really, we could be here all night. Idiocy, Inertia, Intolerance. . .

 The DA’s finance spokesman, David Maynier, was up next with fairly boffo suggestions for President Jacob Zuma on how to tackle wasteful expenditure: sell off parastatals, ditch unnecessary diplomatic missions and bongo embassies, scrap half the ministries, stop spending money you don’t have.

Unfortunately for Maynier, he was followed by the Energy Minister, Tina Joemat-Pettersson, whose mania at the podium rapidly put paid to any consideration of anything he’d said.

In timbre alone, let alone content, this was going to take some beating. 

What came was a delivery style that ran the gamut from squawking to screeching. Almost immediately she was dubbed “Papsak” on Twitter. This was in part due to the suspicion that she hadn’t been too shy with the sake that was passed around during a  recent trip to Japan. 

There came stories of drunk uncles. According to Joemat-Pettersson, these are fairly common in the North West. As are the beatings of cheeky children. Thisnaturally was a reference to Julius Malema, who, although he wasn’t in the House, had to endure a further bit of bad news: he would never fall pregnant.

Hard to believe, but yes, it’s true. The energy minister ended her contribution to the debate with an observation that, because fires are started and the soil gets wet when it rains, Julius Malema “will never be a mother”.

That may well be a good thing. But we were not done with the junk in Juju’s trunk just yet.

Before that, though, came the hugely embarrassing business of the DA chief whip being ordered to leave the chamber.

It started when Cope leader Mosiua Lekota took the podium, and there came a barracking from hell from the ruling party benches. The DA’s Mmusi Maimane begged the debate’s then chair, deputy speaker of the National Council of the Provinces, Raseriti Tau, to allow the former ANC stalwart to be given a chance to speak.

Once the noise subsided, Lekota could be heard talking about “factions” in the ANC. This was a reference to the alleged discord between Gauteng Premier David Makhura and President Jacob Zuma.

Tau ruled that the use of the term “faction” was out of order. “We don’t have factions here,” he said of one of the most riven parliamentaray assemblies in the world.

It was too much for the DA’s chief whip, John Steemhuisen. “You’re talking complete rubbish now,” he told Tau.

“Can you withdraw from that?” Tau responded.

Steenhuisen would not. “Since when is ‘rubbish’ unparliamentary?” he asked.

Steenhuisen was ordered from the House but later readmitted.

The President will respond to all this and a great deal more this afternoon.