THIS came as something of a shock to the Mahogany Ridge regulars but evidently a surprising number of people still watch SABC television. 

Among the delights in store for them this weekend are repeats of the week’s soap operas, Bafana’s clash with Gambia, a documentary (it says here) on “the relationship between the church and religion as told through the eyes of strippers, prostitutes and academics”, and some muck called The Purge.

The latter is a film set in a future America where the authorities sanction an annual 12-hour period during which all criminal activity, including murder, is legal, and not, as suspected, the story of a dimwitted megalomaniac who single-handedly destroys a state broadcaster by ridding it of every single employee more intelligent than him (a lot, apparently).

But what gripping television the latter would be. Hlaudi Motsoeneng’s continued infatuation with himself is perhaps one of the greatest romances of our time, an epic of self-love in which a childish fraudster brings down Dithering Heights in a squalid bid to steal his own heart.

Naturally, Motsoeneng can play himself. The SABC COO has a natural, innate ability to capture his own essence — to fully occupy that empty space, as it were — for the camera. As he himself has explained for the record, “I am Hlaudi Motsoeneng, baby!”

Audiences will thrill at his simpering performance as he spies his own reflection in the mirror. Sensitive viewers may want to look away at such times, for such is the intensity of what follows, but all will come away emboldened with the message that they, too, never again have to listen to anyone who knows any better.

It’s an admittedly simple philosophy, a case of “Well, I may not know much about anything, but I do know what I like.” But it is one that has served Motsoeneng rather well thus far. And, as they say in the classics, if it ain’t broke, well then break it.

Take, for example, his announcement that, as from next month, a 90% local content quota will be enforced in a “reshaping” of the SABC’s TV channels as foreign, mainly American films and series, are tossed out the schedules. 

Advertisers and sponsors are especially loving this — considering they’re tied into time-slots and screening schedules booked weeks ago. They have no idea what to expect next month. Neither, apparently, does the SABC. Perhaps we’re doomed to endless repeats of that old series about the sexually repressed overachiever, Shaka Zulu.

The cull of foreign material was something Motsoeneng vowed to do when he introduced the 90% local music quota, an immensely arrogant slap in the face for music fans. Ask Radio Lotus listeners, for example, how they feel about the loss of their beloved Bollywood tunes.

It is one thing to promote local culture, and one can come over all patriotic here, guffing on in a blimpish manner about supporting home-grown talent, but really, this North Korean-styled protectionism is not the corporation’s mandate. 

“The SABC’s core business,” it states on its website, “is to deliver a variety of high quality programmes and services through television and radio that informs, educates, entertains and supports the public at large.” 

Only the truly delusional believe that these goals will be achieved by Motsoeneng. But still the bimbo persists, and he has now stated that he will be approving shows himself. He had this advice for local producers:

“When you come to me I will respond now. If you impress me it’s ‘Yes.’ If not, it’s ‘No’ and you should know not to come back. The team that I work with, they should walk like me and talk like me — that is what I am expecting from them. 

“That is how I run the organisation, because we need to sing one song at the SABC and that song should be sung by everybody within the organisation. And we’re not apologetic about it.”

We’ve heard strange things about that one song. It’s the one sung by the SABC choir in staff meetings and it includes the lyrics, “Hlaudi Motsoeneng reya o leboha (Hlaudi Motsoeneng, we thank you).” 

And so they should; the SABC has reportedly spent R6-7-million on the choir in the past two years, and will spend a further R3.7-million in the coming year.

Here at the Ridge we also sing a song. It’s not very pretty, but — and with apologies to Joni Mitchell, one of the many, many artists we may never again hear on SABC radio — its chorus goes, “I’ve looked at Hlaudi from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow … he’s an idiot.”

This article first appeared in the Weekend Argus.