A FAMOUS GROUSE

WE were just wondering, here at the Mahogany Ridge, how many of those ANC parliamentarians who bunked work earlier this week were having their nails done when they should have been voting on the Division of Revenue Amendment Bill? 

More importantly, were they also regulars at Mbombela’s now legendary Jinxu-Chinese massage parlour?

Following State Security Mnister David Mahlobo’s surprise appearance last Sunday in an Al Jazeera documentary on rhino poaching, it has emerged that this place of many happy endings — so dubbed by jeering MPs — was as popular with our politically-connected elite as the renowned Saxonwold shebeen.

Mahlobo was photographed with Guan Jiang Guang, the parlour’s owner and a self-confessed rhino horn trafficker who boasted the minister was a regular customer who would drop by sometimes once a week.

However, Guan’s claim that he was friendly with Mahlobo did not necessarily mean the minister was involved in any illegal activity, the ANC in Mpumalanga later argued.

“Whether they are friends or not, we don’t know … but you cannot jump to a conclusion that Mahlobo is also a rhino poacher,” said provincial party secretary Mandla Ndlovu. 

“I have been following these allegations through the media and on social media. I still do not know what Mahlobo has done which is wrong. We are waiting for the [police] investigation to continue and reveal the truth.”

Until then, we will probably just have to accept the minister’s own explanation.

Mahlobo has said the photograph of himself with Guan did not amount to evidence of any wrongdoing. He did admit, however, that he had often visited the latter’s parlour for massages and manicures. Many of his colleagues did so as well. 

“It is the most popular spa treatment in Mpumalanga,” he added. “If people are going to request to take photos, does it mean connection [and/or] friendship? Even the photo that they’ve seen there, they are putting my beautiful hands when I’m doing a manicure.”

Support for Mahlobo came quickly. Controversial business figure and noted orientalist Kenny Kunene has confessed that he, too, has visited the Jinxu-Chinese. “It was very nice,” he told the Citizen. “I like Thai massage. I like it hard.”

As if this wasn’t enough of an overshare, Kunene then tweeted that former Mpumalanga premier and ANC NEC member Matthews Phosa had also visited the parlour. 

To support this claim, he tweeted a photograph of Phosa posing with four women from the parlour, which had been taken at his house. 

Phosa’s reaction to Kunene’s helpfulness in this regard is not known. Neither do we know what sort of treatment he received. Was it the Thai or the manicure, which the more cheeky among us now refer to as a hand job?

Regarding the latter, it was once commonly held that male politicians had regular manicures because, when out pressing the flesh with the public, their hands needed to be well-groomed to make a good impression.

But that is no longer the case. These days MPs tend to avoid ordinary people, who they regard as unclean. Certainly, on those rare occasions that they do meet the so-called Man in the Street they will not shake hands for fear of ruining their nails through contact with oafish, calloused mitts. 

Because they are unused to any form of labour whatsoever, the hands of modern politicians are as soft and delicate as a newborn baby’s. In fact, so great is the concern for the care and wellbeing of their hands that many refuse to even pick up the odd cash-stuffed brown envelope that is tossed their way from time to time. Instead, they get their staff to do that.

Which brings us conveniently to ANC chief whip Jackson Mthembu, who’s probably been a bit too busy recently to visit the beauty salon.

In addition to cracking the whip regarding those absent MPs, Mthembu has slapped a R1-million defamation lawsuit on the SABC head of corporate affairs Hlaudi Motsoeneng.

It’s the latest development in a ding-dong that began five weeks ago when Mthembu, with the backing of the ANC caucus, called for an inquiry into the SABC board, arguing that it should be dissolved.

Motsoeneng responded by suggesting that Mthembu’s views on the SABC were fuelled by vested interests, and that the chief whip had attempted to “capture” him when the two met at a hotel.

Like many of us, Mthembu is keen for more details about this alleged meeting — and has demanded same from Motsoeneng, along with an apology and the bucks.

Motsoeneng has indicated that he will defend the action. We look forward to his day in court.

This article first appeared in the Weekend Argus.