IT'S that time of the year when the village is invaded by upcountry types with 4x4s towing caravans and expensive fishing boats. The locals, in a bid to give the visitors as wide a berth as possible as they run amok in pursuit of enjoyment, are forced to spend long hours at the Mahogany Ridge.

Not that we mind. Christmas is special at the Ridge and there is much in the way of festive cheer. The pints are ice-cold and the peanuts are salty, there's cricket on the box and both Julius Malema and Steve Hofmeyr have just spent the night behind bars. All was perfect. What more could we possibly need?

"Well," said one regular, "maybe some Venda women? The president thinks the world of them."

It was inevitable we'd turn to the issues of the day, and there was some discussion as to why a woman lying on the ground would stir a man's soul to the extent that he'd want to marry her. It was puzzling to us.

But Jacob Zuma is an expert in these matters. He was in Impendle, in KwaZulu-Natal, teaching the folk there all about respect in that old-fashioned if not backward way of his.

As a leader, he said, he wanted to lead disciplined people who had self-respect and respect for others. And he wanted to lead men who spent less time drinking and concentrated instead on getting it on with the ladies.

"As a young man you should not always be thirsty," he said. "When are you getting time to focus on women? It is a man's responsibility to find a woman so that he can get married and build a home. There is no proper home for a single man. Wake up in the morning, take a bath, dress nicely and go out on the street. Even if you are not going to court a woman, woman must see a gentlemen in you."

Who could fault that? Given that most young men spend a lot of time on the streets these days - usually at informal "labour bureaus" in the vain hope of picking up scraps of work - it would probably be to one's advantage to turn out scrubbed and in fancy duds. You dress for success, as they say.

Women, of course, would respect such men. Exciting things could happen - especially if they were Venda women. "When I was in Venda recently I was so impressed to see how people there express respect for other people," Zuma told his audience. "A woman would clap her hands and even lie down to show respect. I was so impressed. If I was not already married to my wives I would go to Venda to look for a woman."

According to reports, there was some laughter at these comments. Perhaps the idea  of a woman rolling on the floor and applauding is amusing at Impendle. Perhaps there are not many Venda at Impendle. Perhaps the president's patriarchal views have once again been shown to be so out at odds with the progressive ideals of our constitution that laughter was the only option now that booing was definitely out of the question.

But no matter. Our thoughts are nevertheless with the chief as he unwinds from the hurly burly for a few days and chills out at Nkandla, the well-known national key point.

And why not? The Public Works Minister Thuls Nxesi's whitewash . . . sorry, previously classified task team report on the R208-million security upgrades has been released and all is, as they say, hunky dory. Or so Nxesi and chums claimed at a press briefing on Thursday.

The national police commissioner, Riah Phiyega, was there. She's obviously learnt a bit from her time before the Farlam Commission and obfuscation now comes as naturally to her as breathing. Her response, in particular, to queries regarding the removal of the homes of those families living near the Zuma compound who had been "identifed as a security risk" will take some beating.

These homes, according to Nxesi, could not remain where they were as they obstructed the fence line and posed a challenge to the positioning of surveillance cameras. However, when asked whether it wouldn't have been cheaper just to move Zuma's home, Phiyega said that was a very "demanding, if not arrogant question".

She added: "When you choose what is your home and you knew that home forever and ever and a day ... [that is an] insensitive question, every person has a right to choose where they should live."

Provided, of course, these fools haven't identified you as a security risk.

This article first appeared in the Weekend Argus.

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