PRESIDENT Jacob Zuma, it can be said, has a unique style of public speaking and, during the State of the Nation Address, words managed to claw their way out of his mouth, battered and gasping for breath as if they'd fought for their very lives.
True, he was slightly under the weather on Thursday. "The ‘flu can't wait," he explained to the National Assembly before tackling -- or, if your prefer, mugging -- his speech, and being out sorts could well have been the explanation for what followed.
However, the less charitable among the regulars here at the Mahogany Ridge will tell you that upon being presented with the printed page the man does tend, as a rule, to recoil as if from a mamba, and he approaches the task of reading aloud with the sort of enthusiasm that you'd expect from Huckleberry Finn were he to be suddenly confronted with an algebra paper.
Even mindful of the fact that English is not his first language, one would at least expect him to have skimmed through Thursday's address to familiarise himself with some of the difficult words prior to delivery. It's just a suggestion for next time, and perhaps this sort of preparation would contribute further to the illusion that he'd written the thing himself.
But what we got instead was not without entertainment value.
"On broader economic transformation," Zuma gamely announced to the country, "revised Broad-based Black Economic Empowerment Act and codes are being funnelised. The development of black owned enterprises and black industrialists will be protorised."
While it may not be inappropriate to talk of funnels in this context, we're at a loss for an explanation when it comes to this business of protorising. Perhaps some of the wealthier businessmen in the president's family could explain.
Then again, perhaps not. Turning to the violent protests and wanton destruction of property by wildcat strikers in recent months, Zuma said he had issued instructions that the perpetrators of such actions must be brought to book. "Courts will be allocated to deal with such cases on a protorised roll," he said. "The law must be enforced and it must be seen to be enforced -- fairly, effectively and expeditiously."
Similarly, law enforcement urgencies have been instructed to protorise their efforts when it came to dealing with the scourge of violence against women and girls. Reacting to this sudden change in job description, the national police commissioner, Riah Phiyega, and the uniformed men sitting with her, stared impassively into the middle distance as if terminally bored. Did they know what a protory is? We hope so.
Matters livened up somewhat when the president spoke on the alarming increase in lifestyle diseases. "We have to combat and lower the levels of smoking, harmful effects of alcohol, poor diets and opacity," he said.
For some mysterious reason, this provoked peals of hearty laughter. Perhaps his audience misheard him, and presumed he was talking about capacity. Which was a little unfortunate because -- and here I risk being reported to the Human Rights Commission for stoutist hate speech -- the capacity of some MPs present was transparently obvious. One didn't want to get in their way down at the buffet table.
Be that as it may, the laughter certainly was welcome and it complemented the beer tent atmosphere outside Parliament prior to the president's arrival, as dignitaries sported themselves in what one one tabloid called "a celebration of Valentine's Day".
Those who in the know about this sort of thing declared that Gauteng premier Nomvula Mokonyane's shoes were killer, Western Cape premier Helen Zille's chiffon gown made her look about half her age, and that the fashion faux pas of the day was the oleaginous TV presenter Dali Tambo's, for wearing beige shoes with a black suit.
For my own part, I thought the Judiciary rather well turned out in their robes and finery. And how interesting that a military band played a show tune -- I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady -- when they all trooped into the House. Hopefully there was nothing ominous in that particular choice of music.
Afterwards it was left to the Democratic Alliance's parliamentary leader, Lindiwe Mazibuko, to give Zuma's address the customary thumbs down. It was, she said, merely recycled from last year's speech. "All in all, the president said nothing new, provided no vision or leadership and no details on concrete action to address the key concerns of South Africans."
Finally, a horse wandered into the Ridge yesterday but the barman had to chase it away because he doesn't serve food. I mention this only because the Oscar Pistorius jokes are too tasteless to repeat.
This article first appeared in the Weekend Argus.
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