Yeah, I know, dear readers, you're transfixed on London and Jacob G Zuma - bulky as Paddington bear in a black overcoat - going to meet the queen at Buck Palace.

"They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace/ A guard's life is awful hard, says Alice." Isn't that how it went? My big sis used to read it to me when I was little boy in my pajamas and slippers. (Even I was once a little boy in slippers. So was Zuma, though he had no slippers.)

Then there're the English newspapers which - when it comes to sheer, unadulterated racism - have shown us this week just what rank amateurs we are here. Not even Little Julie Malema of the ANCYL could beat these guys for crassness. Though the stuff about Zuma having twin children with a Ukrainian woman - why not a Lithuanian? - was so bizarre that it was difficult to take offence.

And then of course there's also the great Malema saga and the Case of the Rogue Signature, soon to feature Garth the Graphologist ... But, notwithstanding all of those rivetting tales, for me there has been only one exciting story during the last seven days ...

You could have blown me down with a feather, called me Donaldson, Mondli or Fred, bought me or sold me: I was so excited that the Sunday Times had at last gotten it right.

Okay, the headline was a trifle off the bull's - or should we say cow's? - eye. It said "Jessie Duarte quits", which was not strictly true. Our Jess was merely running another Duarte cri de coeur up the flagpole to see if Comrade Gwede Mantashe - or anyone for that matter - would salute... But never mind: the newspaper did, as I said, get most of the story correct. And, besides, newspapers have to sell copies; why let a few small facts spoil a fine story?

Anyway, never mind the rumble in the jungle; never mind the day the kleinbaas, Tubby Mbeki, fired his deputy sheriff; never mind the day the Tsunami struck; this was the really big one ...

On the left, small but feisty, weighing in at whatever, we had The Queen of Cows (as one of her co-workers calls her), Jesse Duarte, chief operations officer of the presidency, and, on the right, also weighing in at whatever, we had the ultimate Power Drunkette, Lakela "Kenneth" Kaunda (a woman all the way, wire-wire, no Caster Semenya she, even if Chris Gibbons was a bit woozy about her gender at lunchtime on Monday), deputy-director general (DDG) of the presidency and head of the Man's private office.

By the way, don't feel bad if all these titles confuse you. Just now, by way of preparation for this article, I tried to study what is grandiloquently referred to as the Presidency Organogram - no, Donaldson, not the presidential organ - and I'll be damned if I know what goes on at the Presidency. Problem is that I suspect that the folk there also don't really know.

Moo-hah! This was the battle to end all the battles. Listen, it's been coming a long time - a battle between these two - or at least it had been on the cards for a long time that one of Duarte's little tantrums, which have been going on ever since she made a return to Luthuli House, would reach the public domain.

This does raise an interesting question. Do we think Jesse baby shared her woes - as she is wont to do - with Moipone "pretty pony" Malefane, the comely reporter who wrote about Duarte and Kaunda, on the understanding that Pretty Pony would not write anything? Or do we think someone leaked the e-mail to Malefane? Or do we think Jesskele wanted the proverbial dirty washing out in public?

Hard one to call? No, not really. Immediately after the story broke on Sunday, Duarte and Kaunda insisted (their fingers crossed behind their backs so tightly as to cause gangrene) that they were the best of friends - and everyone else said they knew nothing of a resignation letter. In addition, whatever else Duarte might do, she would not consciously draw graffiti on the public façade of the party. She's a loyal hack. Besides, I can't see Pretty Pony and Jess being bosom buddies. Pretty Pony's not the type. So someone else must have shown the e-mail to her.

Embarrassing stuff for Duarte. But about time. I happen to like her. But one hears that she has been growing tired and emotional at regular intervals for a long time now - asking for that pat on the head from all and sundry - and one also hears that she can be, as I might have mentioned, the Queen of Cows. Finally, you know what Grandpa Abe used to say about his son, Daniel? "My son Daniel is such a clever boychik; but not as clever as he thinks he is."

As for Kaunda ... she really does think she's as clever as she thinks she is and she's got the power virus, big time. It's strange, you know. After Zuma was dumped, she stayed on in the government - went to work for Zola Skweyiya, now the ambassador to the UK - while others such as Ranjeni Munusamy did the hard yards. The minute Zuma was elected at Polokwane - I mean the very minute - Kaunda was back. (She had worked for him previously, when he was MEC in KwaZulu-Natal.)

Kaunda is doubtless a "real power" in the presidency and she certainly blocks people from seeing Zuma; no question about that. If she doesn't care for you, then it's cheers, big ears. And this has no doubt irritated Duarte when she's tried to get in certain people to see Zuma. Trouble is that one never knows to what extent Zuma connives with Kaunda - and also, in fairness to the fellow and Kaunda, there are literally thousands of people who want to "see" Zuma at any given time.

Still, Kaunda is an unpleasant eminence grise around Zuma; one can tell from the people she appointed to the presidency, especially the media bunch. When Zuma was elected, he was swept in on such a wave of goodwill that he could have chosen from the best and the brightest in the country. Even independent and good journalists (are there any?) would have been happy, for example, to form an advisory panel and trek to the Union Building once a month to assist with, say, presidential media policy.

But what did Kaunda do? She appointed a group of pusillanimous, feckless and compromised folk, her old buddies - no need to name names; they and we know who they are - which is why the presidency is, in terms of communication or marketing, or anything that requires a little bit of brightness and brain, pusillanimous, feckless and almost brain-dead.

Anyway, the public barney and "outing" in the Times could not have happened to two nicer people. And though pedagogy is not a strong suit of mine, I do think there are three points to be made.

One: though this is a minor tiff, it is indicative of the kind of petty mindedness and stupidity that has been going on at Luthuli House for a long while and has now been transferred to the Union Buildings - the problem being that these bozos are the people who are running the country and our lives.

Second: I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry Lisa Vetten, I'm sorry Colleen Lawn Mower, I'm sorry Martha Nussbaum, I'm sorry Germaine Greer - but too many broads spoil the broth. Seriously, Zuma has too many women around him. Aren't the wives and the girlfriends enough? Too many women, too much trouble, as the Zulu proverb goes.

Third: beware, brother Msholozi, of the Mbeki Virus. Your predecessor also had folk who kept him protected from people to whom he ought to have talked and to whom he ought to have listened. En kyk hoe lyk hy nou. My love to Elizabeth.

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