BY EMAIL

The Prime Minister’s Office

23 November 2020.

Private and Confidential

To: Gedleyihlekisa Zuma, Donald J Trump

Fr: Benjamin Netanyahu

Bcc: JF Gordin, RJ Isacowitz

Shalom from Jerusalem, Israel’s eternal capital

Please forgive me, Jacob, for not replying earlier. Your email caught me as I was preparing to board a plane for a hush-hush visit to Saudi Arabia, where I met with my good friend Mohammed bin Salman, who’s a very nice young guy despite the whining of the chattering classes.

Having been on the receiving end of the tyranny of the fake media for so many years, I can understand a man who takes matters into his own hands and shuts the mouth of a particularly snarky journo. Not that I’m in favour of bodily dismemberment, you understand, but it is what it is. One less clown to be entertained by.

I was accompanied on my trip by Porky Pompeo, who, as you probably know, is busy solidifying the ranks in the Middle East on the off-chance that Don might need some foreign cheerleaders. I just love those evangelicals, don’t you? No porkie is too big for Porky to swallow. I guess if you believe in a guy who died on a cross and then came back to life you’ll believe anything.

I fully agree with you that we men of vision need to stick together in the face of the onslaught by the pygmies (aren’t they from your neck of the woods by the way?) The thing about greatness is that it must be seen to be believed. You can’t lead a nation and live in a shack or drink inferior bubbly. People don’t respect you if you do. They need to see you reaping the fruits of your labour to understand that you are a rais, a man born to lead. The masses want a leader whose success is an example to them all. What example is set when the leader smokes cheap Honduran cigars?

You, my friend, are a man who has set an example. A serene country estate (I think it’s called a kraal where you come from), thousands of maturing chunks of beef roaming your fields and a harem of wide-hipped gezunte maideles to do your bidding. I envy you the latter. Law and Jewish custom limit me to only one and she – just my luck – is a meshugane from hell. I think your lot have got it right. A man needs to rest between a variety of young and fertile loins after giving his all for his country.

It saddened me to read about what you call your “mistakes,” Jacob. I don’t think you should blame yourself. Certainly, you should not have let the dark forces remove you from office – just look at Don, stonewalling, defying the losers, whipping up conspiracies – but you came relatively late to politics and were experienced in leading men, not pandering to them. You were a soldier, not a soapbox orator. That’s something we have in common; I too have led men in battle.

I will be going before a court soon and you will be doing the same shortly after, by the sound of things. Stand tall, Jacob, be proud. Those who accuse us of corruption are midgets who lack the capacity to understand that all we have ever received are the physical representations of our nations’ eternal gratitude. The people appreciate what we have done for them and reward us for out endless toil and labour on their behalf. They are proud of us. The Jewish people would be distressed were I to appear in public wearing an off-the-rack suit and polyester tie.

The height of indignity is that we are both being hounded for our prodigious efforts to enhance the security of our nations – you as regards arms deals with British, French etc. corporations and me in connection with a German submarine contract. Both were massive and complex undertakings. It’s only natural at that level for a few shekels to find their way into unintended hands. But corruption?! That’s really too much.

Do the miserly assassins in the media really believe that men such as ourselves – strong, determined, incorruptible men – would be attracted by the dull glint of lucre? Do they really think we can go into a meeting with German bankers in T-shirts or entertain them in our homes by serving them sparkling wine from Argentina? Do they not understand that we need to maintain standards for the sake of the country? That, as representatives, the impression we make is that of the country?

Perseverance, Jacob. You, Donny and myself are currently facing the poison barbs of the envious, the ignorant and the small minded, many of them people to whom we gave a leg up in the past. Friends, you say! Forget it; there’s no such thing. In our business a friend is someone who hasn’t asked you for a favour yet. The rest are debtors and creditors.

One of my assistants here in the Prime Minister’s Office is a young man who was born in South Africa. I asked him how to say “be strong” in your language. Here goes:

Vasbyt, my friend. Be true to yourself in the face of adversity. And don’t let the bastards get you down.

All the best

Benjamin Netanyahu