OUT TO LUNCH

The problem with writing a topical weekly column is that it can suffer from the ill effects of what former UK Prime Minister Harold Macmillan reportedly referred to as “Events, dear boy, events”.

I’m a huge fan of conspiracy theories and believe that we should have an annual award (rather like the Oscars) for the most imaginative and believable conspiracy theory. Since many conspiracy theories (such as those around during COVID-19) frequently turn out to be true it’s never a good idea to knock a conspiracy theory unless it’s obviously utter nonsense.

Very often conspiracy theory is the only way of getting a contrarian opinion aired and the so-called conspiracy theorists are quite happy to accept the mockery just to get their view heard.

Having said that, last week’s column suggesting that the sudden departure of Fatboy Floyd Shivambu from the EFF was all part of a grand plan to bring the MK-Pox lot and the EFFers together at a later date for the overthrow of democracy and the beginning of the glorious revolution turned out to be hopelessly wrong.

Unless, of course, Juju read the column and was just pretending to be angry. But that’s a conspiracy theory for another day.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible for two political parties who are united by their hatred of what they call ‘white capitalism’ and their desire for a bloody revolution to ever come to some arrangement but it really does look as though the EFF’s self styled commander in chief has been getting through a lot of Kleenex Extra strength tissues while coping with his grief and anger.

No sooner had Juju told us that the loss of Shivambu was akin to the loss of his mother and that the EFF door would always be open to him than he did a complete about face and projected a pretty good impersonation of the late A Hitler in one of his more splenetic moments.

Incensed, no doubt, by the images of Fatboy Floyd having swapped his ill-fitting red beret and boiler suit for his smart new MK-Pox baseball cap and branded golf shirt the EFF CIC ranted about betrayal and cowardice and it was clear that the understanding and forgiveness of the previous week was all forgotten. Juju then issued the ultimate ‘bitch-slap’ to Fatboy:

“All powers that belonged to the deputy president will go to the office of the president,” he said.

“Everything associated with the former deputy president shall be dismantled and removed from the EFF immediately. The GTU (extended governance task unit) and all those who served under the deputy president are dissolved.”

So, from what Juju says, it seems that Floyd was always surplus to requirements and only had a job because he was a long-term buddy of Juju. Some in the media have cruelly suggested that these comments may indicate that Juju is a megalomaniac and a narcissist; as if this comes as a shock after all these years.

The big question now is what will happen to the EFF? Will Juju increasingly become an ever more ridiculous figure of mockery as he orders his ‘ground forces’ to trash stores that stock hair products of which he disapproves and dance around like imbeciles outside schools that have been accused of ‘racism’ and physically attack teachers. Or might the party finally come up with a policy statement that could allow them to be taken seriously and appeal to those with any sort of common sense.

Doubtful I’m afraid because the EFF is still rooted in revolutionary mumbo-jumbo speak which has little to offer a modern, high tech society which depends on survival by being globally competitive. The love the EFF has for quasi-military terms like ‘commander in chief, ground forces, student command and fighters’ suggest that they are far removed from the world of real politics. Juju probably still has a dog-eared Che Guevara poster on his bedroom wall.

As my esteemed fellow columnist Phumlani Majozi so eloquently pointed out in last week’s column:

“The EFF coming to power would be the biggest setback since the end of apartheid. Their rule would be characterized by racism, government theft, violence, censorship of the press, skyrocketing political imprisonments, disappearance of political activists, and many other violations of human rights.

One very important thing we should remember though, is that leaders of the EFF did not get themselves into our parliament – they were voted by the people of South Africa. That reality suggests the problem is much deeper and has to do with our politically undereducated society that votes for the dangerous EFF.”

The real problem, as Phumlani so clearly indicates, is with the electorate who have been deliberately deprived over the years of sufficient education to allow them to question the sort of nonsense advanced by the likes of the EFF and the similarly dubious MK-Pox.

The sort of questions that sensible voters might ask such as, where will the money come from, are completely absent when it comes to all those glib promises of free housing, free education, free healthcare and free electricity.

If you don’t even have a basic education then all these election promises seem possible and all you need to do is get rid of the greedy white monopoly capitalists and their running dogs of capitalism to make it all happen. That is the dream that is sold before every election but reality is very different.

One might have hoped that the vast majority of SA voters would have joined the dots after thirty years of ‘demockracy’ and questioned why they have remained poor while those they have elected have become unbelievably wealthy but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

A peculiarity of South Africa is that many of those who continue to live in abject poverty with no hope of work are more than happy to run after a politician’s R3 mln car during an election campaign in the hope that a party t-shirt will be thrown their way.

Both the EFF and MK know this only too well which is why they can continue to treat their unquestioning supporters as idiots. In what other country can public servants who have been dishonourably impeached or are facing accusations of massive fraud and corruption sit in parliament getting paid more than twenty times the minimum wage even before all the perks are taken into consideration?

At the moment the GNU (or coalition if you prefer) seems to be functioning very well with the rand trading at R17.80 to the dollar. That’s pretty good news for most South Africans but not for the revolutionaries who will argue that we have sold our souls to appease the markets.

The declared aim of both the EFF and the MK is revolution (bloody if necessary) and that involves destroying private enterprise, dismantling capitalism, abolishing private land ownership and replacing the current legal system with ‘African’ law; whatever that may be. Let’s hope and pray that Phumlani is right and that both the EFF and MK will implode. The alternative is too terrifying to contemplate.

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It did occur to me last week that it might be time to rewrite the words to the famous Chris de Burgh song ‘Lady in Red’ (a favourite at weddings apparently, even if the bride is wearing white).