OUT TO LUNCH

When I was at university way back in the early 1970’s I never once took part in a student protest. This may sound rather feeble on my part but while my fellow scruffy first and second year fellow students were out on the streets protesting against the war in Vietnam or the growing number of people who couldn’t find work I was almost certainly in the bar of the Digger’s Rest (or some similar hostelry) philosophising about the mystery of life over a pint of best bitter.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care about the war in Vietnam or the ever-lengthening dole queues; it was just that I couldn’t see how spending a couple of hours on the streets in chilly weather, waving a placard and chanting a slogan could possibly change anything. And I turned out to be absolutely correct. It didn’t change anything at all.

So one wonders, for example, what the poor idiots who walk very slowly in busy London streets and sit in front of cars as part of the ‘Just Stop Oil’ protest hope to achieve. Do they really think that the large oil companies will suddenly stop drilling for oil and looking for new potential oil fields because a bunch of privileged people with multiple body piercings and blue hair think the planet is going to hell in a handbasket? I somehow doubt it.

Then there are the cretins who superglue their hands to a busy road or chuck soup over an artwork to make their point. The obvious solution to the hand glueing problem is to leave them glued instead of sending police and medical personnel along with all sorts of solvents to unglue them. If you’re dumb enough to glue yourself to a road with the intention of inconveniencing as many of your fellow citizens as possible then you deserve to be left there day and night and in all weathers until one of your fellow activists comes to unglue you.

As for the clowns who invade art galleries and throw paint or soup at the exhibits I am with Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan on this issue. In the words of The Mikado “let the punishment fit the crime”. Take the miscreants, put them in a cage somewhere in the gallery and invite visitors to hurl soup or paint at them through the bars. Who knows, the exhibit could be up for the next Turner Prize.

As much as I am astounded at the number of people prepared to take to the streets in support of lost causes I am even more astounded at the number of ANC supporters who bother to turn up to listen to their leaders telling them what a stunning job they have been doing on their behalf for the past 29 years. The overwhelming evidence is that the ANC have done an appalling job of delivering a ‘better life for all’ and yet they can still fill a stadium with supporters. How can this be?

I don’t think I need to point out with overmuch emphasis that Pres Frogboiler is no Taylor Swift. And yet, just over two weeks ago, the Dobsonville Stadium in Soweto was full as the Frogboiler presented his rather comical report back on the 2019 election manifesto. It was perhaps symbolic that at one point a rather heavy gust of wind appeared to remove part of the tarpaulin protecting the Frogboiler from the elements.

As we all know by now, apartheid is to blame for absolutely everything that still goes wrong in SA, even after almost 30 years of ANC rule. But, despite that dreadful blight, Pres Frogboiler still had many positives to tell the crowd.

For example: “more people have houses, electricity and access to water and sanitation services. This government continues to stretch every sinew to expand access to quality and affordable health care to everyone”.

There are a couple of problems with this statement, the most obvious being the fact that even though more people allegedly have access to electricity, in reality they don’t because of load shedding. In fact, as part of the ANC’s decolonisation programme and in the interest of equality more people in South Africa have far less electricity than they did 30 years ago. So that’s hardly a win is it?

Access to water and sanitation services? Really? So how come there are all those major sewage spills in the inner cities and in many of the poorer provinces?

And the bit about expanding access to quality and affordable healthcare. It’s staggering with what has been going on with public hospitals around the country that Frogboiler can say this with a straight face. For years the only reason for public healthcare has been as a looting vehicle for connected cadres; including a certain past Minister of Health (as yet unprosecuted).

Frogboiler goes on to brag about the number of people receiving social welfare grants as though this was something to be proud of. Then he itemises the seven points of the 2019 manifesto and attempts to put lipstick on this particular pig.

1. Transform the Economy to Serve the People

I think we can all agree that the economy has been transformed over the past four years but only to serve certain people. The majority of South Africans of all races are considerably worse off but a handful of favoured cadres have done very nicely thank you out of dodgy government contracts which may have benefited a few luxury car dealers but that’s about it.

2. Advance Social Transformation

This rather vague promise seems to be all about the education system and Frogboiler is thrilled that the number of ‘learners’ who passed matric jumped to 80% in 2022. But as we all know the matric pass rate is now so low and the quality of teaching so dismal that a brain damaged snail would almost certainly pass matric.

Frogboiler also feels it worth mentioning that the number of NSFAS funded students in tertiary education has now grown to 770 000. These include the ones who prefer setting fire to university buildings rather than attending lectures.

3. Build Safer Communities

What can one possibly say except that it isn’t working is it? Unless by safer communities Frogboiler means the heavily guarded ministerial villages with no load-shedding worries and 24 hour security.

4. Fight Corruption and Promote Integrity

We all know who they are and we all know what it is they are supposed to have done. For years investigative journalists have been presenting clear evidence of political corruption and yet the same smirking faces grace our TV screens and continue to draw multimillion-rand salaries as well as all the perks. There was something called a Zondo Commission if memory serves. I can’t remember what purpose it served. One thing though is for certain; if you are a connected ANC cadre it really doesn’t matter what you have done because you will never see the inside of a courtroom. And if, by chance, you do, then know that your case will be perpetually postponed. As for Integrity….it sounds like a great brand name for an ANC sponsored after-shave lotion. Go on, splash it all over.

5. Strengthen Governance and Public Institutions

Eskom, Transnet, the Post Office, Sassa payments, bankrupt municipalities, broken hospitals, SA Airways, the SANDF, the SA Police service and so on. But where to start? And when to start?

6. Build Unity and Embrace Diversity

So, you’re going to work to unite all South Africans to overcome the divisions of the past and build a country where we all belong (cue PJ Powers)? Well, I’m not sure harping on about apartheid and blaming all the ANC’s many failures on a system of government that hasn’t existed for 30 years is a great way to go about it. Neither is allowing that farcical Chapter 9 institution, the South African Human Rights Commission, to continue allowing sitting members of parliament to call for the slaughter of white citizens. But well done for including sign language as one of our official indigenous languages. That should make all the difference.

7. A better Africa and a Better World

Forget the better Africa and the Better World Frogboiler. You’ve got enough work on your hands getting South Africa back up and running and you might like to concentrate on reducing youth unemployment for a start. That would obviously mean ditching your idiotic labour laws and rethinking the BEE nonsense and that, in turn, would mean creating a competitive economic environment that is business friendly. But it’s not going to happen is it because you’re all still married to the idea of a socialist Utopia. Which I guess you can afford to be if you are a comrade billionaire. I am reminded of an appropriate line from Chaucer’s ‘The Knight’s Tale’ which I studied for A level many years ago. A line that has stayed with me all these years….”the smiler with the knife under his cloak”.