OUT TO LUNCH

I often wonder what spirit animal the ANC would choose to adequately represent all that the great liberation party stands for. Rather as, in the US, the Republicans are represented by an elephant and the Democrats most appropriately by a donkey.

Having given the matter much thought over the past few days I’ve come to the conclusion that the spotted hyena would best represent the values of the ANC, particularly now as rival clans of the ANC seem to be moving in on one another to snatch whatever is left of the carcass of the South African body politic.

The spotted hyena ticks the boxes for several reasons. Firstly, the hyena is quite capable of being an efficient hunter but generally prefers to scavenge and raid the kills of other predators. This is a perfect metaphor for Black Economic Empowerment where we have seen, over the past twenty-eight years, the ANC hyenas demand a major shareholding in businesses to which they have contributed nothing.

They haven’t started the businesses, they contribute very little to the running of the businesses and they often haven’t a clue how the businesses operate. But there they are, thanks to cadre deployment, sitting on the board, drawing fat salaries and rushing off to spend them on luxury cars and other bling. This bling display demonstrates to the lesser hyenas the hierarchy within the clan and shows what is possible if you can’t be bothered to make your own killing.

Secondly, the hyena is right in tune with all the latest Marxist LGBTQ+ and trans thinking which is currently plaguing our schools. The genitalia of the female closely resembles that of the male; the clitoris is shaped and positioned like a penis and is capable of erection. A bit puzzling for the biological male hyenas when it comes to mating time no doubt but, judging by the proliferation of hyena cubs obviously everything finally works out well in this trans animal community.

The Wikipedia entry for the spotted hyena also mentions that it is known as the ‘laughing hyena’ and anyone who has been paying close attention to the goings on at Nkandla these past few years would immediately see the similarity.

Wikipedia continues : “The species has a largely negative reputation in African folklore……It is viewed as greedy, gluttonous, stupid, and foolish, yet powerful and potentially dangerous”. Nuff said.

But, as Mrs B has reminded me, the spotted hyena is also the wildlife equivalent of your local garbage collector. It consumes virtually every part of the carcass including the bones and leaves virtually no evidence that there has even been a kill. As one of nature’s most efficient cover up operators it is surely a worthy symbol of the ANC.

Another astonishingly appropriate similarity is the territorial activity of the spotted hyena. The clans have clearly defined hunting areas and if a hyena from one clan strays into the area of a rival clan there could be trouble. So, for example, a Gauteng hyena would be well advised to stay away from the KZN clan hunting ground although a hyena that regularly strays into another clan’s territory may eventually be accepted into that clan.

The real problem comes when food becomes in short supply and the hyenas are forced to fight with each other for survival. Which is precisely what we are seeing with the ANC now.

Two distinct clans of political hyenas worried about their own survival and quite happy to rip one another apart with no regard for the long-term consequences. Where’s a pride of political lions when you really need one?

Dinner with Cyril

Bang smack in the middle of what some have termed ‘Sofagate’, in which some $4 million in cash was allegedly stolen from Pres Frogboiler’s Limpopo game farm came the invitation to stump up R1million for the privilege of sitting at the Frogboiler top table at the ANC’s forthcoming Gala dinner in July. ___STEADY_PAYWALL___

This event is to be held at the Nasrec Expo which is not exactly a well known gourmet establishment. I have no doubt the caterers will do their best but my bet is that the starters will be already plated and waiting on tables covered in cling-film and there is little chance of having one of those designer main courses which involve something tasty sitting on a bed of something else and drizzled with a jus of yet something else.

The real issue here though is not the food and the high cost for keeping such dubious company (I would certainly advise taking indigestion tablets along) but the sheer insensitivity of the announcement from a party that professes to bat for the poor and downtrodden.

Having just shrugged off having about R60 million swiped from the sofa cushions it does seem a bit weird to suddenly advertise that you welcome dinner guests with a million bucks to spare. Particularly in a country where so many are going hungry every day. This is yet another Marie-Antoinette moment for the party of the people.

Of course, you don’t have to stump up the top price for a seat at the top table. Those of us on a tight budget and watching the shekels can pay R37 500 for two seats but you’ll probably be at a table on the periphery with some ANC unknowns and you’ll be served dessert last.

In fairness though, and in the interests of exemplary journalism, the R1 million charge for the top table does buy two seats and an additional six seats at a ‘complimentary’ table where you will no doubt be able to exchange genial banter with deputy ministers and their spouses. This puts the cost per head at a much more reasonable R125 000.

But I’m still not convinced. If I shell out the million bucks I was going to blow on a new e-car to help save the planet will I still be at a table with Pres Frogboiler at the end of July? Or will I have to brush up my Zulu so that I can ask the newly re-installed Jacob Zuma to pass the HP Sauce please? The way things are moving nothing is certain.

Then there’s the problem of conversation. Assuming Pres Frogboiler is at the top table and in charge of the wine pouring will I be sitting close enough for a cosy chat or will I have to shout from five places away. None of this is clear in the invitation.

Assuming I have the Pres’s ear, what on earth do I talk about? One would obviously want to avoid sensitive topics such as ‘sofagate’, the Russian invasion, the collapse of most government run enterprises, the lack of reliable electricity, the weekly revelations of mind bogglingly large cadre corruption, the burning of Parliament, the lack of anyone held responsible for last July’s ‘insurrection’ etc etc.

So it’s either the weather or a quick reminisce as fellow soon to be septuagenarians on what we got up to back in our carefree, foolish youth and whether we inhaled. I don’t see this turning out to be an evening to remember.

There are those who suggest that the ANC asking for large amounts of money to attend this Gala Dinner is evidence that they are still in the business of handing out favours to the politically connected. However, stumping up a mere million to a chap who allegedly keeps R60 million stuffed in his sofa cushions is only going to make him aware of your existence at best.

To really win the heart and support of the ANC top table you’re going to have to sign over 51% of your company to the Best Big Buddy Economic Enrichment (BBBEE) scheme. Only then are you entitled to receive free government advice on how to run your business.

Bon Appetit.

Boris rebranded

Another great political leader going through a rather tough time at the moment is UK prime minister Boris Johnson. Having narrowly survived a vote of no confidence last week in which 40% of his own party said that they wanted him gone he bounced into prime minister’s questions two days later as though nothing had happened.

Johnson’s main problem is his public image. We all know that he is a serial fibber and a serial shagger and that he is wont to hugely exaggerate his party’s plans to boost the already over-borrowed UK economy. He is also blamed for the ludicrous COVID lockdown rules that stifled much of the economy and presides over the highest inflation rate in 40 years in a country that is reeling from rising prices.