OUT TO LUNCH

___STEADY_PAYWALL___

According to the current narrative being pushed by what we genuine free thinkers mockingly call the “main stream media” (plus the usual collective of political nutjobs) I, as a white man, am the descendant of land thieves. Apparently my ancestors arrived here many centuries ago, killed lots of people before they had a chance to introduce themselves formally, stole their cattle and raped their women folk. It’s a pretty shameful past and I thought it would be only right to make amends.

So after I had checked my white privilege, my unearned privilege, my toxic masculinity, my homophobia, my patriarchy, my misogyny, my heteronormative attitude to the game of bowls and whether I had any more quinoa smoothie in the fridge I quizzed my sister in the UK as to this lamentable blot on the Bullard escutcheon. In between directing theatrical masterpieces in the Surrey village of Lingfield my sister has been researching the family tree and would surely be in a position to reveal the truth.

I have no reason to believe she is lying to protect our family reputation but it seems as though my tribe never set foot in Africa until the late twentieth century. Not a whiff of land theft, genocide, cattle rustling or sexual misconduct then (not in Africa at any rate). The only record of Bullard land settlement here was yours truly borrowing money from a bank to buy a townhouse, paying some transfer duty to the government and being stuck thereafter in the hamster wheel of bond repayments, utility bills and rates. As the years wore on the only thing to change was the enormous amount of money needed to buy a relatively modest home with the commensurate increase in transfer duty and rates payable.

I imagine this may be what some talk radio hosts refer to as the “lived experience” of many of my countrymen. Along with this absurd land theft fiction goes the divisive topic of colonization and whether or not it had any benefits. Poor Helen Zille got into hot water when she returned from a trip to Singapore and tweeted "For those claiming legacy of colonialism was only negative, think of our independent judiciary, transport infrastructure, piped water etc."

Predictably the lefty media leapt on her with glee and did what young journalists are obviously taught to do these days at journo school. The basic rules of modern journalism are pretty simple; take a comment out of context, deliberately misinterpret what was said, blow it out of all proportion and put it on social media as click bait. Job done. Thereafter the howling mob of assorted bed-wetters and virtue signallers can demand that the originator of the comment be sacked, fined, taken to the Equality Court and generally publicly humiliated. Helen Zille’s real mistake was to apologise for any offence that may have been taken. Never apologise to really stupid people for something you know is right.

Zille’s tweet was predictably referred to our less than credible Public Protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane who found the tweet didn’t show enough concern and respect for the victims of colonialism; notwithstanding the fact that she didn’t know who they were and that they had been dead for over 300 years (my italics).

The history of mankind is a history of subjugation of one people by another. Fact. To listen to some people on this topic you would think that South Africa was the only country in the world ever to be colonized. Should we apologise to those long dead for any inconvenience caused? Of course not. It is what it is and it was what it was. Without colonization most of the known world would not exist in the form we know it today. If you want to see what a society without colonization looks like check out North Sentinel Island which has (allegedly) resisted all contact with the outside world. You try buying a Louis Vuitton tote bag to stuff with stolen money there. And don’t even think about getting 1G on your smart phone.

But, however persuasive my argument for the undoubted benefits of colonization may be there are always those who find the whole idea repulsive and deeply offensive and, as a liberal thinker, I must respect their feelings. They are dehumanized by what many less enlightened people regard as the benefits of colonization. They demand a decolonized South Africa and any political party worth its salt should be tapping in to this groundswell of opinion ahead of the election.

Which is why I have sent my proposal for a new, decolonized homeland to various political parties in the hope that they will consider it as an addendum to their existing manifestos. The precedent has already been set by Orania and so I propose that vast tracts of largely uninhabited land across South Africa be set aside for the new independent state of “Wokeazania”.

All those who have publicly called for decolonization will be free to move to Wokeazania to begin their journey of creating their brave new world. In drawing the boundaries of the new state all efforts will be made to minimize the colonial inheritance. What there still is in the form of independent judges, transport infrastructure, piped water etc. the Wokeazanians would be able to dismantle as they see fit. Needless to say there will there be no Woollies, PnP or trendy coffee shops allowed.

Areas designated as Wokeazania will be fenced off to deter outsiders from disturbing the sylvan tranquility of the place. I have no doubt that this concession to the “decolonization” lobby will be fully embraced and I look forward in years to come to the rest of us setting up mutually beneficial trade links with Wokeazania and maybe even playing football against them. Viva Wokeazania viva.

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