Once more unto the breach, dear readers. We return this lovely spring morning to the brouhaha surrounding the media.

That exceptionally articulate man and prince of the English sentence, the ANC's Jackson "just one tincture before I go-go" Mthembu, said something about journalists maybe having to go to jail.

Then Dr Bonginkosi Emmanuel "Blade" Nzimande, the minister of higher edjamacation, was alleged also to have suggested that naughty journalists might have to go to chokey ...

But apparently this allegation was merely an allegation and the newspaper in question had to apologise.

Well, I have been thinking: perhaps it would not be such a bad idea if a number of journalists and people connected with the media did have to spend some time in what a wise writer has called "our carceral archipelago".

For one thing, the journalists might finally pay attention to just how rotten and sickening conditions are in our prisons, especially for so-called awaiting trial detainees (ATDs). So: how about sending down (as the English say) a few errant journos, eh?

If the "forthcoming" members of the new media tribunal-to-be need some assistance, I'd be happy to help. Here then are some sentencing guidelines, some suggested miscreants, the kinds of crimes that journalists commit, and the sentences they could be given.

I would recommend, first, that, with a few exceptions, all the journalists do time at Medium A, the awaiting trial section at Johannesburg prison (aka Sun City).

This is the one where the cells are 200 percent overcrowded and there is thus one toilet and two showers for 150 fellows; no study facilities; no clothes but the ones you were wearing when you went in; where you don't receive any pap if you have no plate; and where you can, in the immortal words of one of my former colleagues, easily acquire a second arse-hole.

I would recommend, second, that sentences not be too long. We're not trying to kill any one, merely punish some of these vershtunkende journalists, who have had the temerity to criticise our heroes, such as the aforementioned Nzimande, Jacob G Zuma, our leader, Siphiwe Nyanda, the minister of communications, and so on.

Our prison system is, after all, not a punitive but a rehabilitative one; that's what it says in a White paper that I read about our prison service. In fact, in some cases these journalists can do community service and not have to go to prison at all.

We start at Independent Newspapers, publishers of The Star, The Sunday Independent, etc.

Tony Howard, the CEO, Nazeem Howa, the COO, and Moegsien Williams, the group editorial director, should each get four weeks in the slammer for running down a once proud group so as to please the Irish proprietor, Sir Tony o' Shtunkipoodle, thereby ensuring that they get their annual bonuses while other fine people are out on the street; for bullying the staff mercilessly; for generally behaving like cads; and for retrenching me at the end of 2008.

At The Sunday Independent, Makhudu Sefara, the editor, and office bearer in the Venda Nostra, shall be sentenced to one week's imprisonment for wasting countless trees every week in the production of pages and pages of drivel and another week for allowing the demise of Morag Ben-Yitzhak's books page.

Ben-Yitzhak shall herself be spared imprisonment but shall have to do three weeks' community service for her sustained attack over the years on rationality, the English language, and the happiness of her colleagues. She will be required to read to Soweto kindergarten children from the collected works of Nadine Gordimer and R Suresh Roberts.

From the Cape, Chris Whitfield, the head honcho of the Independent newspapers there, will have to serve one week at Sun City for lowering his standards: previously a loyal handlanger of Shaun "cowlick" Johnson, he is now a handlanger of the aforementioned Howard, Williams, etc.

From The Mercury in KZN, the editor Angela Quintal will have to serve 10 days in the women's section. She hasn't done anything wrong, but I understand that many of her colleagues would simply like to have a short break from hearing just how incompetent they are - from her.

Anton Harber, my beloved boss, and chief of the journalism programme at Wits, is sentenced to five days for a dangerous hairstyle. The same applies to Sam Sole - who, since we are discussing him, receives an additional five days, along with his investigative partners in crime (so to speak) at the Mail & Guardian, Stefaans Brummer and Adriaan Bassoon, for being as serious as an ANC policy document.

To Avusa. Mike Roberts, the chief exec, or whatever he is, gets four weeks for his bad attitude, temper tantrums, and for making Mondli Makhanya, editor of a centre of excellence, the highest-paid weekly columnist in the country.

Besides his other sentences (see at end), Makhanya, meanwhile, gets three days for going after the aforementioned Suresh Roberts's "eight Bauhaus era leather chairs, which are irreplaceable."

And, besides his other sentences (see at end), Justice Malala is sentenced to two weeks for telling us on a weekly basis that the sky, especially the one over Seffrica, is falling - and yet, when one emerges of a morning, there it is, the old blue (sometimes grey) canopy, still hanging in there.

Tymon "of Athens" Smith, the Sunday Times books editor, gets three days for writing such banal stuff, notwithstanding the fine blood line from which he emanates.

Mzilikazi Wa Shtunkipoodle gets three days in a Mpumalanga jail (not Sun City) for forgetting that, in the immortal words of the late (and annoying) Peter Wellman, if you can't take the heat, you better keep out of the kitchen.

Ray Hartley, the new editor of The Sunday Times, is, notwithstanding his hitherto clean record, sentenced to two weeks for furthering the aims of bad journalism. His front page lead of last Sunday, about Thabo Mbeki and Shabir Schaik, regurgitated ancient information (insofar as there was any real information) well known to those who have followed the story, cast aspersions on two men who weren't even interviewed, and generally had no point at all.

Radio 702's Robbie John is sentenced to three days for being irritated that people tend to mix up his first and last names.

Jennifer Crwys-Williams is also sentenced to three weeks' community service for grievous crimes against literature and for inordinate gushing of a "colonial" sort. She should stick to gardening and CDs. She therefore has to hold open Ben-Yitzhak's Gordimer and Roberts books while Ben-Yitzhak reads to the kindergarteners.

Redi Direko receives two weeks solitary confinement for going kitchi-kitchi-koo ad nauseam with Dr Eve; for allowing the aforementioned Dr Eve to bang on endlessly about female orgasms (which we all know are unachievable); and for allowing Dr Eve to peddle various wares on the radio - books and packs of condoms and what-have-you. Direki also, alas, receives an additional week for giving a forum from time to time to that bozo, Aki Anastasiou.

At The Daily Sun, sommer there in Auckland Park, a sentence of eight weeks could be handed down to Deon du Plessis. He too hasn't done much wrong -in fact his newspaper is probably the best reflection of the Seffrican zeitgeist that exists. But his staff also want a break from being made to listen to endless monologues of Duplessisiana for one hour in the morning and one in the afternoon. It's a bit like having to take castor oil twice a day.

As for all those annoying columnists - Anthony Butler, Jeremy Gordin, Steven Friedman, David "the Bullfinch" Bullard, Robert Brand, Mondli Makhanya, Justin Malala, RW Johnson, and all the rest - they get three months each in the slammer: it's all very well having an opinion, but what use are you to anyone if you can't write a straight-forward 650-word hard news story with a 25-word intro that actually tells us something interesting?

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