OUT TO LUNCH

PERHAPS it was the preoccupation with Eskom’s ongoing troubles and the tanking economy, or even the cabinet reshuffle that Cyril Ramaphosa had been urgently ruminating over for several weeks, but I was a little perplexed at the tsunami of indifference that greeted Jacob Zuma’s plan to expropriate all of South Africa on behalf of its “Black indigenous peoples”. 

Where were the usual suspects and praise singers with their rousing anthems, trumpets and marching elephants? What gives? Here was the Butternut Bantustan blueprint, a bold plan for radical economic transformation — and yet not a peep from the RET rabble. 

Not even a word of encouragement, I note, from my dear friend Carl Niehaus. Which, in particular, prompted concerns of a falling out among the factions on the lunatic fringe. 

It could of course merely be that Che Guava has been so busy with the launch of his latest money-making scheme, the African Radical Economic Transformation Alliance (Areta), that he simply hasn’t had the time to trouble us with news of Msholozi’s latest drama. But more of Carl’s latest project a bit later. 

First, back to the Butternut Bantustan. Here, I believe, is a golden opportunity for the Western Cape devolutionists and their cherished dream of an independent Spesbona. We need to work on our own land expropriation claim and, though it pains me to say this, we must follow Convict Number One’s lead in this regard, delusional as it may be. ___STEADY_PAYWALL___

His grand scheme was unveiled in a notice to file a land claim that was duly lodged with Thoko Didiza, the minister of agriculture, land reform and rural development. A copy of said notice was posted on Twitter by the JG Zuma Foundation last week and then reproduced on Politicsweb.

The notice makes for entertaining reading. Though it bears his child-like signature, Zuma, of course, did not write it. That duty, in all likelihood, fell to Foundation spokesman Mzwanele “Jimmy” Manyi, who no doubt did so with unbridled brio and without so much as a backwards glance. Hence prose reaching for a status far beyond its capabilities, albeit with a touching element of fantasy: 

“The Black Population originates from the Bantu expansion and we have had a presence in South Africa since time 500AD reaching present-day KwaZulu-Natal Province, of which since 500 AD we have inhabited the entire territory of South Africa.”

Likewise, this gem: 

“History is History and as such affords us the position to ‘balance the scales of justice’ which has long been afforded to the whites and their descendants since 5th April 1652.”

There was more Manglish in the notice, but these examples are central to Msholozi’s fanciful ambition: that is, Bantu folk were everywhere in South Africa a thousand years or so before the Europeans set foot in the Cape.

White folk are, accordingly, very bad; what they possess they purloined from the natives, and must therefore be kicked off the land for being such rotters. (One presumes that, by dint of not being “Black indigenous peoples”, the Indian and coloured communities must also stand by for mass dispossession.)

It is obviously all complete bollocks. But there is no point in countering such absurdities with facts and common sense. These people are barking mad, and so the normal rules of society don’t apply where they’re concerned.

Any attempt to reason with the Nkandla Nkommando is to reduce oneself to their level and enter the fray from a position of weakness. What follows will be like trying to hammer nails into a plank of wood with a slab of cheese — you’ll get nowhere fast and look damn stupid while you’re at it.

Besides which, there is mounting apprehension, perhaps of the sort that foreign diplomats in Uganda must have felt during the early years of Idi Amin’s rule.

Namely, that this sort of toxicity is going to find ever more traction with the disaffected and what may ensue could be ugly and vicious with the sort of bloodletting that many feel the forces of liberation were denied in the 1990s. That, sadly, is the ANC’s true legacy: an industrial resentment complex.

But for now away with such negativism, and on with the struggle for independence. We need to fight fire with fire. Herewith some pointers worth consideration for our land claim:

1. An independent Western Cape, it is said, would be a haven for white racists. And, of course, the racists in the other race groups. There is no comeback to this charge. Best thing, then, is to suggest that those with such concerns save themselves from a fate even worse than a fate worse than death and just stay the hell away.
2. It is said that secession is not possible as the Constitution makes no provision for such a thing. This is the very same Constitution that many wish to tear up in order to steal everything we own. Go figure.
3. It is also claimed that an independent Spesbona will be weak and reduced to beggar status, a sort of Zimbabwe by the Strand. This sort of thinking is common among those who do not live in the Western Cape and probably refer to the “economic powerhouse” of Gauteng as “home”. We need to ask such people: “And how exactly is it working out for you in your part of the country?”
4. History, as stated, may be history. But then so is geography geography. Speak slowly and clearly when pointing out how the Great Escarpment and other topical features (mountains, rivers, semi-arid deserts) do form natural boundaries. Unlike the unnatural boundaries drawn up during the colonial era. Which is why much of the world is in such a mess anyway.
5. The chattering classes argue that independence will result in Capetonians being more insufferable and arrogant than ever before. Of course, it will. But this is because stuff works down there. Even DA leader John Steenhuisen is on board with this one. It’s as if the Cape is already independent.
6. There is a suggestion the rest of the country will resent the fact that the Western Cape will remain the region’s top tourism drawcard. Like this is a problem.
7. But there is absolutely no reason why the other provinces cannot pull finger and pan for tourist tom as well. Take Mpumalanga. What’s not to like? The mystic misty Lebombo Mountains, the romance of pioneering Pilgrims Rest and, for hardened travellers, the curious cuisine of former finance minister Tito Mboweni. And what of KZN? For the mentally infirm who get off on monarchies and inherited privilege, the province has more royals than all of Europe had, even in the 19th century! What’s more, when they have a beef with relatives in the royal houses of Ulundi, they don’t air their grievances in lame memoirs or the Daily Mail, they keep to the old traditions, and just do each other in. (Sadly, not all provinces can be regarded as top travel destinations. The North West and the Eastern Cape are going to be particularly hard to sell.)
8. Chenin blanc, the world famous lady petrol, is never marketed abroad as South African wine but rather as one from the Western Cape. Let’s keep it that way. 
9. There’s absolutely no reason why other provinces cannot secede as well. Be sure to point this out.

The pantheon

Back to Carl Niehaus and the African Radical Economic Transformation Alliance. It is obvious that that Carl has put a lot of time and effort into launching Errata … sorry, Areta. A brief rummage on social media reveals a series of “flash cards” explaining the organisation’s objectives. For example, this one: 

“Areta stands for the unwavering revolutionary ideals that Helen Joseph was house arrested, banished and dedicated her whole life to.” 

Do note the Manglish. It’s now the lingua franca of the revolution. The card features a portrait of Joseph, the legendary anti-apartheid activist. It also has an unappealing logo. (Always a fist! Why not an elbow or an ankle?)  

Others in the series include Chris Hani, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, Beyers Naude, Jafta Masemola, Pixley ka Isaka Seme, Miriam Makeba, Steve Biko, Robert Sobukwe and Harry Gwala. All of whom, it must be said, have passed away and are therefore in no state to object to such shameless exploitation. 

The series does however include one sad figure who is very much still with us. This card reads: 

“Areta stands for the unwavering revolutionary ideals for full economic liberation that Carl Mpangazitha Niehaus was tortured and imprisoned for, and continues to dedicate his life to.”

One has to admire the messianic fervour. So much so that I briefly considered joining the alliance for a lark. But then came the horrifying thought: what if my application was accepted? How would I ever live that down? Besides which, there’s a membership fee: R100 a year. 

It may not seem like a lot but that’s the price of a pint of Old Roarer down at the Slaughtered Lamb (“Finest Ales & Pies”). Forced to choose between the two … well, there’s really no contest.