IT was expected that ANC Chief Whip Stone Sizani's contribution to the State of the Nation debate would be a noisy one, with ruling party members jeering and laughing loudly as he tore into the official opposition and it's new parliamentary leader, Mmusi Maimane. 

Which is what happened. But he said the darndest things! 

The DA's manifesto and their election campaign, he revealed, was "rich in anti-ANC rhetoric." Which was a given, you would think.

It targeted President Jacob Zuma and vilified the ruling party. Again, a bit of a ditto in the obvious department.

But, Sizani continued, it was all to no avail. "Their policies are not appealing to the majority of the electorate. Who will they target in 2019"

Well, not Zuma, obviously. He won't be here. But the party he leaves behind? Well, five will get you ten that they're not going to be left alone for a while.

It was however when Sizani targeted Maimane and his promotion to parliamentary leader that things went even loopier in the logic department - for the more he attacked the DA, the more it seemed that he was talking about his own party. 

"We do not impose our leaders on the rest of our membership," he thundered away at the podium. "We do not parachute individuals into our leadership for window-dressing and photo opportunities. Such political naivete, manipulation of its own members, opportunism in exploiting very real concerns and challenges facing our people, and high handedness in dealing with criticism points to subjective and weak leadership."

Sizani had to muck about in a Business Day column by former DA member Gareth van Onselen - "one of their own fomer stooges who now claims to be a respected journalist" - for ammunition with which to pillory the "anointed" and "chosen one." To wit, "It is hard to determine what is authentic about the man (Van Onselen had written): his lines are crafted by wordsmiths, his turns of phrase marked by safe clichés and truisms. His arguments are shaped by opinion polls, his events are orchestrated by strategists and his personal ideological world view is protected from critical interrogation."

Gosh, and didn't that sound exactly like Zuma's state of the nation address?

When it came to interruptions, Freedom Front Plus leader Pieter Mulder had more than his fair share during his alloted five minute address in the debate. The first came as he reminded an impassive and glum-looking Zuma that as this was his last term in office it was quite normal to worry, as all presidents do, about a legacy - and thus, the emphasis on economic freedom and land issues. "You are making a mistake," Mulder said, "if you think you that you will suceed in this, as your legacy, in the next couple of years. You are setting yourself up to fail."

It was then that an Economic Freedom Fighters MP rose to demand that Mulder, who he labelled a "land thief", return the land he stole from him. That was given short shrift by the National Council of Provinces chairperson, Thandi Modise, and the comments were withdrawn quite pronto. 

Mulder was just getting back into his address, when Julius Malema, the EFF CIC, rose to object to what could have been an earlier, perhaps unflattering reference to him by the FF+ leader.

But Malema had barely opened his mouth when he too was interrupted. Which annoyed him greatly. "I'm talking to the chair here, hey wena!" he barked. "The Honourable member here says there was ‘an arrogant young man' in this House, but we don't have such things here."

Modise pointed out that it was not unparliamentary to refer to someone as arrogant. Malema replied it was the "young man" tag that he objected to. 

"I don't mind withdrawing it," Mulder offered. "Do want me to? Very well, I withdraw ‘young man.'" And that, more or less, was Mulder's speech. He left the podium grumbling about how the interruptions had eaten into his alloted time.

But Malema was just acquiring a taste for this point of order thing. When Communications Minister Stella Ndabeni-Abrahims returned to her seat after her 15 minutes at the podium, the CIC was back on his feet. "I would just like to point out to this House that the Honourable Deputy Minister was wearing a very nice top." And yes, she was. With a skirt that showed off her legs to striking effect.

If Ndabeni-Abrahims was flattered by Malema's comments, she managed to hide it rather well. "I just want to point out to him that this clothing belongs to the SA Communist Party," she said.

"It's still beautiful," the CIC replied.

Fastest contribution to the debate came care of the DA's Dianne Kohler-Barnard who approached the podium taking a deep breath and then proceeded to rubbish Zuma's claims on Wednesday evening that the war on crime was turning at a rate approaching warp speed. 

It was understandable, I suppose. Kohler-Barnard had a lot to get through in just six minutes and her worlds fell over one another in a pell-mell scramble. 

"Mr President you stated in your State of the Nation Address that the murder rate had gone down over the past five years the truth is the murder rate went up last year as did attempted murder aggravated robbery residential burglaries fraud car-jackings and theft from our motor vehicles stretching statistics from the past to try and twist today's truth into a ‘good story' is political claptrap we are back up to 45 murders 182 sexual offences 436 robberies and 718 burglaries from homes every single day..."

It was like that. Too fast even for punctuation. Little wonder that an ANC member rose with a request that she slow down a bit so her words could be heard. But Kohler-Barnard was having none of that. "I suggest the Honourable Member adjust the settings on her hearing aid," she snapped.

And like a bolting horse, she was off again: "Dysfunctional is a strong word however to the families who await justice following the rape or murder of a loved one it's just not strong enough they wait year after year as this country fails them there is chaos caused by either the SAPS officer who fails to arrest the perpetrator or who sells the docket or who bungles the case by failing to collect evidence or by losing it. . ."

By contrast, the slowest contributor was Social Development Minister Bathabile Dlamini. Maybe that's because she was also dreadfully dull. Not even taunts of "Travelgate! Travelgate!" could raise much in the way of interest. 

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