OUT TO LUNCH

I do hope you’re not all Zuma’d out. At least three of my esteemed fellow columnists have, over the past week, used Zuma as the main text for their sermon. And why not?

He was after all the newsmaker of the week and, if the mainstream media and online publications like The Daily Maverick were to be believed, the fifteen month sentence in the slammer handed down by the Constitutional Court was evidence indeed that the rule of law is intact and that all those racist doom merchants who said such beastly things about the ANC would now have to eat their words and admit that the country was indeed in safe hands.

Sober commentators such as John Maytham on Cape Talk assured his more hysterical listeners that this was the real deal and that JZ may well be wearing orange pyjamas before too long. Various reports on the collective mood of the country reported a massive surge in confidence but as those of us who have been around the block a few times and then some know the volatility of confidence in SA is pretty much on a par with the volatility of Bitcoin. As old Geoff Chaucer so succinctly put it…”Now up, now doun, as boket in a welle”.

I have to confess to being more on the side of Dr Jonathan Witt who Tweeted “I have to laugh at all those people who think Jacob Zuma is going to serve a jail sentence”.

I was sitting in a car in the pouring rain in Somerset West waiting for my beloved to emerge from her appointment with her bone manipulator when I heard the news on Cape Talk. The first thing that struck me about the story was the five day grace period in which to hand himself over.

That smelt very fishy. If I’d been a judge handing down such a politically sensitive judgement I would have already been in contact with the minister of police to make sure that there was a secure police wagon idling outside Nkandla’s gate all ready to take JZ off to be processed as the news was being handed down. Isn’t that the way normal arrests work?

Should I be found guilty of breaching the Disaster Management Act by illegally slipping into Gauteng in search of a leisure activity are the SAPS really going to give me a few days to assemble my CD collection, have a few socially distanced farewell parties and finish my stock of Lagavulin 16 year old before carting me off to prison to pay my debt to society? I somehow doubt it.

What on earth were the ConCourt thinking? Did they think Zuma needed a few days to gather together a few personal belongings before trundling off to the Nkandla police station to hand himself over with the immortal words, “it’s a fair cop guv, I’ll come quietly”? Were they affording him an opportunity to finish up the contents of his fridge and say goodbye to his multiple wives before swapping the comfort of his bed for a prison mattress for a few months?

Is it really possible that some of the keenest legal minds in the country could not have foreseen that justice thus delayed could lead to a large amount of egg on the faces of M’Lords and M’Ladies as the usual assemblage of useful idiots had plenty of time to mount a spirited rebellion.

At the time of writing (Sunday) it appears as though Zuma has yet again beaten the legal system into submission amid threats of incredible violence from his supporters should his conditions not be met.

The absurd figure of Carl Niehaus, draped in his GI Joe fatigues, has warned that the arrest of Zuma could lead to violence and bloodshed (what he means is he hopes that will be the case) and is promising a human shield of unemployed men similarly attired in army surplus kit to protect Zuma in direct contravention of lockdown rules banning gatherings. Obviously the police will be too terrified to intervene….so much for the rule of law.

Coincidentally, Pres Frogboiler was out of the country and the weekend NEC meeting was cancelled and any conspiracy theorist worthy of the title might feel that the coming together of these three events isn’t entirely coincidental.

So, where to from here? It’s been made pretty clear by Zuma supporters that any attempt to force him to serve a prison sentence will be met with horrific violence in a province already known for its political killings. That violence could easily spread to other parts of the country and the government are obviously aware of that. Chief Buthelezi and the Zulu royal family have already distanced themselves from the leopard skin clad warriors that turned up at Nkandla.

Zuma’s supporters believe he has done nothing wrong. Well, nothing that affects them at any rate. The compound ill effects of state capture are hardly likely to touch the lives of poorly educated rural Zulus in KZN.

Explaining that he has to spend time in prison for flipping the bird to the Zondo commission for any number of complicated reasons that few of us understand isn’t going to win them over. To them he is the jovial neighbour who was treated appallingly by the liberation party he gave his life to and who distributed food parcels to his neighbours during the festive season.

It remains to be seen whether the so called ‘apex’ court are forced to back down on their sentence of fifteen months for contempt of court. If they don’t then we can expect a stalemate as no sane police officer is going to volunteer to visit Nkandla to collect the accused as was stipulated in the judgement. If they do backdown then what sort of message does that send to the likes of Ace Magashule and a whole host of other corrupt ANC cronies?

It sends a very clear message that if you don’t much like the judgement a court hands down then all you need to do is assemble a private army of well armed thugs to threaten bloodshed and violence if they have the audacity to try and put you in prison. Incidentally, this tactic works equally well should you wish a COVID vaccine to be approved within seven days as the EFF’s victorious crowing on social media demonstrates.

This is triple distilled anarchy and if the government thought they had a problem with COVID then just wait to see how they handle what could be a looming civil war. ___STEADY_PAYWALL___

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I was listening to Bruce Whitfield’s Money Programme on Cape Talk a couple of weeks ago and his Monday guest was my old nemesis, the bouffant haired Anton Harber. The feature is called Other People’s Money and Harber was talking about his investments which, for a journalist, were rather impressive. In addition to a share portfolio Harber has successfully invested in art and casks of whisky.

It was the last that caught my attention and I was excited to hear that Harber is bringing some of the whisky he has purchased over the years into South Africa and is bottling it for resale. The first venture is a limited edition of 222 bottles of a 14 year old matured Islay malt marketed under the name of ‘Izinyembezi Zenkosikazi’ which translates to ‘The Tears of the Queen’. The story has it that Queen Victoria, upon hearing of the defeat of the British at Isandlwana wept into her whisky.

The 700ml bottle has a label featuring a charcoal drawing of a mineshaft by William Kentridge and is apparently the first in a series of matchings of whiskies and fine art that Harber hopes will ease his retirement years in our rapidly failing state.

The website www.thequeenstears.co.za tells you only that the Pty company was registered in 2021 but nothing about the socially aware people behind the venture. It’s also a bit vague on detail when it comes to the price of this rare whisky. However, a visit to Whisky Brothers website suggests that a bottle of this will set you back R9 900.

Since this is obviously aimed at Harber’s champagne socialist buddies on the left this particular ‘right winger’ will have to stick with Harrier at R159 a bottle. As I frequently explain to people, after three or four generous doubles of either your cognitive skills are equally impaired so you’d better be sure that you can taste R9 700 worth of difference between the two. Having said that, Harber’s hooch comes in at an alc by vol score of 54.3% against the usual 43%.

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Katy Rose, writing on the www.eatout.co.za website a couple of weeks ago reported that Pres Frogboiler (Sorry Syd) had been spotted at one of SA’s top restaurants.

“President Ramaphosa is a big fan of tasty food, as can be deduced by the many sitings of him at wine farms, restaurants and cafes. The chefs at The Test Kitchen were thrilled and delighted to cook for the President himself, and even posing for selfies after dinner. Despite the masks it was clear there were big smiles on everyone’s faces.”

There followed several photographs on Instagram of ‘thrilled’ restaurant staff feeding the head of state. One week later and the President announced that the very same restaurant staff were, once again, unemployed for at least two weeks. Not so thrilling now. I wonder if he’ll risk going back there again.