Doctor: To cut a long trauma short, it's a severe case of MAIDS.

General Secretary of the Party: M Almighty!

Doctor: Exactly. M Acquired Imagined Defenseless Syndrome.

General Secretary: Why do you say M, why not Mal -

Doctor: Shh, shh. That word is totally forbidden around the clinic. The Pres starts getting the heebie-jeebies when he hears it.

General Secretary: Is it HIV-related?

Doctor: Not at all. It has no physical symptoms and is not contagious. It's all in the mind of the patient, or what's left of it.

General Secretary: What does it entail?

Doctor: An acute, unreasonable fear of M. In an advanced stage the patient has panic attacks when he is forced to meet M. He feels lonely, deserted. It may cause palpitations of the heart, short-term loss of memory, impoten -

General Secretary: Our Pres? Unbelievable

Doctor: Indeed. But that part is curable. I'll tell you later. What's more worrying is his general state; the Pres is so weak he can't even sing Umshini Wami ... All he can do is moan ‘MMM ... leave me alone, M, please'!

General Secretary: Wishful thinking. You can leave M alone, but M will never ever leave you alone.

Doctor: Why is that?

General Secretary (thinking hard): It's what great leaders are made of, I guess -

Doctor: Are you developing the symptoms too? You, who only yesterday said on TV that ‘the party will not tolerate any more of M's behaviour'?

General Secretary: When talking with a politician always be aware of the next elections ... Keep your options open ... Remember, I want to remain GS when M becomes president ... But, in the meantime - is there a cure?

Doctor: The trip to Venezuela was a brilliant idea.

General Secretary: What can we gain?

Doctor: A loss. How about ‘in the course of a jungle trip M was tragically lost. Chavez leads the search'. Of course it'll be arranged with Chavez ... I'm sure Venezuela needs uranium too ...

General Secretary: We are working on something ... The main thing, though, is that he's far away -

Doctor: It's not the distance - it's the Pres' internal demons. M is constantly on the mind of the Pres, particularly in his nightmares.

General Secretary: Any medicines?

Doctor:  Only Viagra works.

General Secretary: Please! That will be the end of us -

Doctor: It turns out that Viagra works against political impotency and irrational fears from young politicians.

General Secretary: Is he being supervised while under the influence?

Doctor: Because of the danger to his heart?

General Secretary: The danger to the nurses -

Doctor: He did chase some of them. We told him that they were M's fiancées. That put a stop to it.

General Secretary: Nevertheless, I would rather you did not go down - not the best phrase, maybe - this route. It took us three months to overcome the latest pregnancy and we are still 40% down in the polls.

Doctor: The problem is, we are at a loss ...

General Secretary: The whole country is. It's the most amazing transformation I have ever seen. We are talking about a man who destroyed  Mbeki with one hand tied behind his back, who argued with Mandela while a fresh prisoner on Robben Island, a man who copes with three wives and has time for -

Doctor: We are running out of time -

General Secretary: Voodoo! That's the answer! Give him a doll called MMM. Let him put needles in it, crush it to his heart's delight, drown it in the bath ... When he sees that it's possible maybe he won't feel so frightened and lonely.

Doctor (pointing at a doll marked MMM): We've tried this too. The problem - with the greatest respect to you and all your Alliance heavyweights - is that his feeling of loneliness is not just a figment of his imagination.

General Secretary: What do you mean?

Doctor: He is alone. His PA told me that whenever there was a meeting with M, most of you were not to be found. Of the few who attended, two left after 20 minutes because they had to visit their late mothers' graves, one had a heart attack, three went to a UN conference in the Bahamas, one joined Cope -

General Secretary: We are all human beings ... No matter how many we are in the room, if M is there too, we always feel we are in the minority ... I'll be honest with you, we are also afraid.

Doctor: Why, for M's sake?

General Secretary: This is the greatest mystery of our times. I hear that the Swedish Academy is to announce a new Nobel prize for the scientist who figures it out.

Doctor: But what shall we do in the meantime?

General Secretary: CIA scientists came up with a theory which may solve the mystery. If it's true, it will be an international sensation. But until the DNA tests have been completed it's totally confidential.

Doctor: I'm all ears -

General Secretary: It's rather a strong heart you'd need ... You've heard about the amazing discovery by this ten-year-old, the son of -

Doctor (shivering): Is M the ... Missing Link?

General Secretary: Almost certainly, his own flesh and blood reincarnated.

Doctor (starts to faint): If so, the Pres is lost and so am I ... I must think of my future too. Promise me that I won't be jailed!

General Secretary: How can I ? We'll probably share the same cell ...

Both (looking at the MMM doll, standing erect and saluting): Hail to our new leader! Long live the new president! Viva M!

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