Have you been following the proverbial storm in a D-cup through which a model called Jessica Leandra Dos Santos is attempting - clumsily and unsuccessfully - to sail?

It boggles the mind - nay, it forces my jaw into a dropped position, leaving me looking even more vacuous than usual - that someone with so pleasing a carapace, such gorgeous accoutrements, so sleek a rump, and so well-rounded a tuchis, could be so remarkably dim.

But, hey, as my father used to say, if it's intelligent conversation and smarts you're after, rather look at pictures of Andrea Dworkin (aleha ha-shalom).

Dos Santos, a delectable bit of nookie but not, it seems, much of an intellectual (I'd say she was on about the same level as Xolela Mangcu, Eric Miyeni, Mitt Romney, and several Politicsweb readers who write notes at the bottom of my columns), is or was FHM's model of the year.

FHM is a so-called lad mag; you know, lots of glossy adverts for lots of things and clothes you don't really need, interspersed with nookie pix, and it takes itself quite seriously in a sort of Hugh Hefnerish way: "this is what men really want, blah-di-blah-di-woof". (Hey, I'm not making a moral judgment here; I'm merely describing what's what.)

Now Jessica winning the model of the year competition might not matter much to you or even me. We, for example, might be more impressed if Jessica Leandra (who, in retrospect, should have called herself Leander Starr Jameson) had won the Man Booker prize, say, or bred bull terriers. But it matters to some people, such as those who voted for her.

Anyway, Ms Dos Santos, having apparently had an altercation with a man of black hue at a Spar, tweeted as follows: "Just, well took on an arrogant and disrespectful kaffir inside Spar. Should have punched him, should have."

What was remarkable was not the tweet per se. Truth be told, though we don't like the truth, such sentiments are held by many Seffricans, not a few of whom read this site. We just like to pretend that such sentiments miraculously disappeared in 1994, a mere two years after our Jessica was born.

No, what was wonderfully remarkable about the whole thing was Dos Santos's complete surprise, maybe even "shock horror," that such a message would not be universally welcomed or lauded. We appear to be dealing with a not very savvy human being here.

Of course the proverbial hit the fan. It's been gorgeous. There's nothing we Seffricans like more than an outburst of old-style racism. We get into an orgiastic frenzy of mea culpas (mea culpae?) and non mea culpas and wie-weet-wat-ook-al.

It allows black people to vent their bottled-up and not inconsiderable anger and to say "I told you so, didn't I?" It allows ANC members to say that if only the Protection of Information Bill were in place, then people like Dos Santos would be locked up for tweeting such offensive codswallop. It allows the right-wingers to chortle smugly and to polish their .38 slugs in the basement.

It allows the sickly liberals (such as me, I suppose) to look around meaningfully and opine "that this is not what we fought for" (though some of us did not do much fighting - well, not on the correct side, anyway). And it allows Lefties to ... well, what do Lefties say these days? "If only we had better and more equitable economic policies, then Dos Santos would never have called an offensive man an offensive name."

Predictably, Brendan Cooper, the editor of FHM, said that his magazine had been horrified (how is a magazine horrified?) by Dos Santos's racist tweet and that she would be stripped of her title as FHM model of the year.

"We are appalled ... and would like to formally announce that she has been stripped of her title as winner of the FHM Modelbook [sic] 2011 competition with immediate effect. She was merely the winner of an online poll we ran. We totally distance ourselves from her blatantly racist comments."

Blow me down with a feather.

Actually, I have met Cooper and he's a very nice guy (a white person), who's married to a black person, so this can't be pleasant stuff for him (or his wife, whom I've also met).

But, still, it's all a bit PC, isn't it? And should he have said "she was merely the winner of an online poll we ran"? I mean, c'mon, seriously now, this is a silly-billy 20-year-old whose tweets are read only because she's got the kind of body that is turned into visual candy by magazines such as FHM.

Anyway, the saga continued. Apparently a black model by the name of Tshidi retaliated offensively with a tweet of her own. "Dear Mr Peter Mokaba, I wish all white people were killed when you sang ‘Kill the boer' ... we wouldn't be experiencing Jessica Leandra's racism now ..."

And so the DA National Spokesperson, one Mmusi Maimane, wrote the gals a kumbaya letter, suggesting (I assume) that they and rest of us kiss and make up.

Now, this is where the story really hots up. Dear Jessica has penned a reply - which contains some rather interesting sentences that suggest that she should stick to being a sex kitten and leave race relations to the Human Rights Commission and Maimane. (Or maybe not.)

Her gem is: "At this moment I accept and acknowledge that I have brought this nation of ours to its knees."

Er, sweetie pie, notwithstanding our frailty, it would take just a little more than your tweets to bring us to our knees. (Old guys like me, by the way, don't like to go on our knees anyway - it hurts).

Another beauty from the pen of Ms Dos Santos is the final sentence of her letter: "Mr Maimane, I look forward to working with you. Together we shall achieve."

As one my learned colleagues (a female one) remarked: "All that's missing is ‘world peace'". I.e., "together we shall achieve world peace."

But let's not laugh (or cry) too much or too rapidly about Jessica Leandra. There follows below - with not so much as a letter changed - a media release from Gauteng's safety and security cluster spokesperson to all newspapers.

RAPE IN PROGRESS, MEC APPLAUDS THE SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE SERVICE FOR THE SWIFT ARREST

The MEC for Community Safety Ms Faith Mazibuko has applauded the South African Police Service who caught the man raping a 27 year old woman over the weekend. The arrest comes as the police were patrolling the area and saw two people on an open veld in Jabulani, Soweto . Upon investigation, the man was still busy raping her only to the delight of the woman who confirmed the incident.

Another case is that of a 10 year old girl from Braamfischerville in Soweto who was raped by a pastor during an evening prayer session on the 14th April 2012 . Upon praying and raping the girl, the pastor pleaded for her silence on the matter.

Or here's the "title" of a Cosatu press release: "COSATU NW gives feedback to Chubby Chick workers."

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