The cradle of pothole-kind

A TV is on. The camera is focused on an enormous pothole, half the size of Mandela Square. Dozens of people - children, women, elderly men - are stranded inside. ... Sirens are heard ... Ambulances are rushing towards it ... Smoke is in the air ...

The Mayor of Johannesburg (looking at the TV, and phoning his spokesman): The BBC is showing an enormous pothole next to Luthuli House ... It seems that their correspondent fell into it ... One billion people around the globe are having their morning coffee and watching it ... Eish!

Spokesman: Eisher, eishest ... It's two billion by now ... CNN is just parachuting their Africa editor into it.

Mayor: ‘Parachuting'. How deep is the hole?

Spokesman:  Hold on, I'll be there in a second ... Its forty-fifty meters ... I'm quickly thinking of some damage control ... Why don't we parachute you in too!? You'll be wired to a mike. As the parachute opens you'll be heard saying:  ‘I have come to let my people go!'

Mayor: Jolly difficult, as they say here. I'm in London!

Spokesman: So what shall I say to reporters asking about you?

Mayor: That I'm in the ‘middle of an educational tour of Europe, learning about traffic problems in metropolitan areas, particularly those caused by potholes'.

Spokesman: An eight-week tour?

Mayor: If I wish to improve service delivery, no personal cost is too high ... I had to make a big sacrifice and prolong my stay.

The TV focuses on a man dressed in white attending to a woman lying on the ground. He is checking her stomach with a stethoscope.

Mayor (shouting):  What's that woman doing?

Spokesman: Giving birth ...

Mayor: Because of falling into the hole?

Spokesman: No....She's been here since her seventh month.

Mayor: Why was she left there?

Spokesman: Her doctor did not authorize an aerial evacuation.

Mayor: How could he determine her condition?

Spokesman: He fell in a week after her.

Mayor: Why did nobody tell me about this?

Spokesman: We tried. But during the day you were asleep. At night you have not been taking any calls ...

Mayor:  But what about our emergency services? We have just installed a new communication system which cost almost as much as my tour.

Spokesman: No-one can ever get hold of them. All you get is a record saying:  ‘The city call centre is in the process of improving its services.'

Mayor: Could no-one go there personally?

Spokesman: I did, but the city services are in a hole themselves. Just to remind you, before you left we had 20,000 potholes. By now it's 24,300...

Mayor: I must organize a press conference. What shall I say?

Spokesman: ‘I am delighted to announce that the pothole problem in Jo'burg has been attended to. Tourists and locals can now travel safely to the matches ...'

Mayor: How can I say that while a woman is giving ... Wait a minute ... Those children in the far corner looking at a blackboard, why aren't they at school?

Spokesman: They are. A school bus fell in three weeks ago. Their maths teacher is preparing them for matric. The biology teacher is assisting the doctor ...

Mayor: I see that some youngsters are playing soccer ...

Spokesman: The Bafana Bafana coach will come by later. He is looking for young talent wherever he can find it.

Mayor: I'm scared Josi's people will start looking for young talent too ... I see that some building equipment is being lowered. Is that an emergency crew?

Spokesman: No. Woolworths is opening a branch ...

Mayor: My God ... Isn't that the Minister of Tourism. What's he up to?

Spokesman: He's here with his nephew. They are starting a new business:  a tour of the Cradle of Mankind, two tickets for the semi- finals, and a visit to the Cradle of Potholes, for R500 all in. Fifa will subsidize it, of course.

Mayor: Help! My Mayorship for a spin.

Spokesman: Give me a second ... Why don't you dig a hole quickly in Picadilly Square? We'll organize the Queen to visit you, SABC will cover it ... And everyone in SA would realize that pothole are a problem the world over -

Mayor:  Brilliant!  I'll be standing next to the hole -

Spokesman: Better, jump in and pretend to break a leg -

Mayor: I'll break my hands digging it -

Spokesman: What about the 16 council members and 74 admin staff who are with you? Can't they help?

Mayor: Some were lost in Moscow ... Some went to Paris for the week-end. They are looking into all kinds of other holes. The rest are in Harrods; even Clegg won't be able to get them out of there.

Spokesman: Cosatu leaders have just arrived with a huge banner. Let me read it to you:  ‘Even people in Jo'burg potholes are better off than municipal workers.' They demand an urgent lifestyle audit of you.

Mayor: Impossible. I'm in a hole ...

Spokesman: The deeper, the better. If you want to keep your job, keep digging.

Mayor: I'm digging, I'm digging deep I'll start now-now.

Spokesman: Good news, Mayor. I have informed the media about your London pothole ... In the last five minutes tens of thousands have called in to all the media channels.

Mayor: What do they say?

Spokesman: That it's the best move of your career.

Mayor: Is no-one complaining about me being in London while all this is going on?

Spokesman: On the contrary. Most people are saying that they'd do anything for you to stay there.

Mayor: Till when?

Spokesman: Till the second coming of Christ .

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