In a land not unlike our own...
The General Secretary of the Party: We wanted to discipline but we disciplined ourselves.
Management consultant: Are you referring to Malema's disciplinary process, the accusations or the punishments?
GS: All three. We have become a laughing stock. We must develop a new set of punishments that will be respected by both the public and the punished, and act as a deterrent.
MC: I have an idea, but it's pretty drastic. I'm not sure it'll go down well.
GS: Up, down, sideways - everything goes. We need drastic measures. People can hate us, but when they start laughing at us we are in trouble.
MC: People who have brought ill-repute to the party will be sent to Home Circus -
GS: Where?
MC: Home Affairs. Management consultants call it Home Circus or the Department of No Affairs.
GS: To work there?
MC: What goes on there can't be defined as work ...
GS: So what will they do?
MC: Apply. Every day, they will be there at 7.30 a.m. and apply for one of the services offered by Home Affairs ... When they have managed to submit an application for one service, they must apply for another, and so on. They will have to do this for eight hours, every day, for six weeks.
GS: Six weeks? Sounds to me like a walk in the park.
MC: Not when you are not allowed to offer a bribe or to send someone to queue for you. You'll just apply like an ordinary citizen.
GS: Do ordinary citizens have to offer bribes in order to get what they are entitled to?
MC: Have you ever been to Home Affairs?
GS: Never ever! No ANC leader has ever been there.
MC: How come?
GS: Until 1994 we were in prison or in exile. After 1994 we had PA's, drivers ...
MC (aside): Maybe that's the explanation. (Aloud): If there is one government department that will put you down, it's Home Affairs.
GS: Why is it actually so bad?
MC: There are two theories, the crazy theory and the conspiracy theory.
GS: Go on ...
MC: According to the first theory, a crazy guy escaped from a loony bin, declared himself a management guru and an ANC veteran, and got a consulting contract to Home Affairs.
GS: Is this unusual?
MC: No. His motto, though, was. He called it: ‘management, rainbow nation style'.
GS: What's wrong with that? The rainbow nation concept is like the weather: everybody talks about it and nobody ever does anything about it!
MC: He did. He devised new procedures which were supposed to reflect the various groups that make up our rainbow nation. We found his original formula, and I quote: ‘Take the type of administration loved by Afrikaners (they haven't changed a thing since Jan van Riebeeck arrived in 1652), the six tea breaks of the English civil service ...'
GS: Isn't this the basis of all the public services in South Africa?
MC: If he stopped there it would be just another dysfunctional public service. But he didn't. Listen to the end: "...Add the Indians' refusal to work on Friday, the Greeks' dislike of working any day and the Jews' reluctance to do things by the book. Then take all these ingredients and let the Portuguese ‘cook' them, throwing in Sardines that were left out of the fridge since 1994.... And finally - once this concoction is ready - ask employees of Home Affairs to implement it. But not before mixing well with the infinite patience for bad service that blacks have always shown."
GS: The bottom line -
MC: A nightmare, an administrative system which suffers from ongoing mental concussion, a group of disgruntled employees who hate the whole world and particularly you, the poor citizen looking for his passport that was lost there seven months ago -
GS: Relax, I'm not sending you there ...
MC (still in a trance): If you ask seven employees in Home Affairs about anything, even where the toilet is, you get eight different answers, and none is the right one ...
GS (aside): Seems to me he consulted to the ANC too ... (Aloud): And the conspiracy theory?
MC: When Mbeki was in exile, a low level UK Home Affairs clerk offended him. After 1994 he decided to get back at white people whenever they need Home Affairs.
GS: Didn't he realize that black people would suffer just as much?
MC: He believed that rich blacks would manage and that poor blacks can take anything. Worst case scenario: as they walk in, the guard will give them free garlic.
GS: My only concern is that the disciplined will scream to high heaven, apply to the UN, to Amnesty -
MC: Eventually the ANC leadership will realize that they have a serious problem on their hands and will fix Home Affairs -
GS: Are you by any chance the crazy management guru?
MC: Why?
GS: You expect that we will do something about it?
MC: You're always on about service delivery ...
GS: But not about fixing it! Our role is to talk, not to do ... Do you think that if the Home Affairs disciplinary process was in place, we would still have a problem?
MC: Never!
GS: How come?
MC: You'll take potential offenders to the psychiatric clinic, show them the guys in strait-jackets, saliva drooling -
GS: Who are the guys in straightjackets?
MC: Those who were disciplined, having spent six weeks in Home Affairs...
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